I talk to individual clients about somatic flags to become aware of what’s happening to them.  If you’re in a couple, somatic flags may help point out problems in your relationship before you get in trouble.  How does this work?

What It Is.

A somatic flag is something in your body that can indicate to you that something important is happening.  They can be positive or negative.  Often times, when stressful things are happening around you, you may not be aware of their effects on you. 

In response to stress, your body may tense up in various ways — you may feel pain in parts of your body like your stomach, or you might get aches.  This can be an involuntary response. Not a reflex, but a trained response.

Your body reacts quickly to stressors, and this may be one of the great reasons why somatic flags are useful.  Your body may react to stressors before the stressors come into your mental awareness.  Learning to read these somatic flags may get you aware of what’s happening sooner and keep from injuring your relationship.  

A Real World Example: My relationship.

Let’s be honest here.  Even though I do therapy, I myself I'm not immune to having conflicts with my wife. When I feel a self righteous anger that tells me, "I'm going to tell her what's what, and she is going to be sorry she ever did that,” I know that I’ll need cool down and give myself some time to think this through.  On good days, this means that instead of blasting my wife with anger and having to apologize for it later, I can just say something more vulnerable like,”It really hurt when you made the school decision without checking with me.  It feels like I’m optional for you.”

So when I feel flush in the face and my shoulders are so tense they feel like they’re attached to my ears, I can now understand what’s happening to me.  Don't get me wrong, even though I can now tell that my body's reaction means I should slow down, my mind is racing so fast that part of me still feels like I should blast her with my righteous indignation.  So it won’t feel logical in the moment.  But if you can train yourself to slow down, fewer people will get hurt, and you’ll have to dole out fewer apologies.  

What’s wrong with apologies?

Nothing is wrong with apologies!  In fact, I tell my couples that it's not “avoiding wounds to the relationship” that should be the goal. It is actually “how do I best repair when injuries inevitably happen?”  Marriage research from John Gottman, one of the elders statesman of marriage research, shows that successful couples have to give five or more repair gestures for everyone damaging gesture.  

So there isn’t anything wrong with it, but there is a lot of energy that has to be given for a proper apology.  Most people would prefer using that energy to getting their partner to understand them instead of behaving angrily at them.  

If this article has caught your interest and you want to know more about my thoughts on couples, feel free to check out my page on marriage counseling.  

Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom).  I’m a couples therapist that really specializes in relationships.  I’ve helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck.

Contact me by calling 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the button below for a free, 15 minute phone consult to see if I’m a match.  Take good care.