Somehow, our society is sex-crazed and sex-repressed at the same time. Sex sells. It’s used to market a wide range of products. Internet pornography is easily accessible and quite popular. Books, TV, and mainstream films feature non-stop references to kinky practices.

Yet, it’s a completely different story with talking about your own sexual desires. How many couples would rather avoid fear and shame than confess to a taboo fantasy? Sex is present all around us. But this does not make it any less tricky to suggest or discuss sexual interests that fall outside of the “norm.”

Before we get into specifics, I wrote a related article on how to talk to your partner about turn-ons and turn-offs using sexual brakes and accelerator pedals as a metaphor. This will help you talk about these things and deal with some ways that people make assumptions about lack of sexual desire, when in fact most couples are experiencing a lot of sexual turn-offs while also experiencing sexual turn-ons.

That being said, let’s talk about sex.

The 7 Most Common Sexual Fantasies

A 2019 study found the following fantasies to be the most common. Note: These categories can often blend into one another.

• Novelty: It could be a new position, a new location, or anything that offers variety.

• Multi-partner sex: Threesomes, orgies, and gangbangs.

• Power, control, and rough sex: This may include anything related to dominance and submission, bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism.

• Non-monogamy: A wide range of options fall under this umbrella — from swinging to polyamory to cuckolding and beyond.

• Emotional needs: Adding in passion, romance, and intimacy.

• Gender identity/homoeroticism: This could include activities like cross-dressing or same-sex fantasies.

• Taboo: The technical term is paraphilic, but you might call it a fetish. Basically, this category involves fantasies about doing what you’re not “supposed” to do.

Some of the Many Reasons Why We Don’t Want to “Talk Dirty”

The reasons are many. Generally, we tend to shy away from the taboo because of:

• Religious/spiritual: Conditioning that starts at a young age is not easy to release.

• A history of sexual abuse or harassment: Negative or traumatic experiences can make anything except “normal” sex feel risky or threatening.

• Guilt, fear, and shame: Most commonly, we feel guilty about wanting to do things that some people view as dirty or wrong.

How to Talk About Taboo Sexual Desires

Accept a Couple of Truths

Before you introduce any fantasies, both of you must accept these boundaries:

• Both of you have the right to desire something that sounds exciting to you

• Both of you have the right to say no to any suggestion

Aim For Open-Minded Communication

It’s very helpful for the partner who is suggesting a “taboo” fantasy to explain why they imagine this idea will be exciting or pleasurable for both of you. If the other partner resists this idea, they can be just as honest in return. But explain that view.

Accept That Some Fantasies Are Not Desires

Not all fantasies need to become reality. In some cases, fantasizing about it out loud during sex can be just as exciting. Discuss and explore these possibilities.

Never Pressure Each Other

Consent must be reached in a fair and equitable manner. In addition, if either of you agrees to try something new, you always have the right to change your mind if it’s not enjoyable.

Be Receptive to Your Partner’s Reactions

Again, they (like you) have the right to make up their own mind. Therefore, their reaction deserves your respect — even if it’s disappointing.

Important: If your partner does not wish to try your fantasy, do not turn it into a personal attack. Their decision does not mean they see you as perverted or deviant or unattractive.

Let’s Talk About (Taboo) Sex

As you can see, this is the very definition of a touchy topic. It’s become taboo to discuss being taboo. Such conversations are far more comfortable when mediated by a skilled guide. I know, firsthand, how this process can be made smoother thanks to couples counseling. Let’s connect and talk more about it!

If you want to find out more, check out my thoughts on marriage and relationships. If you’re in Minnesota, you can work with me by contacting me either by phone: 612.230.7171, or email me through my contact form. I’m physically in Edina near Southdale Mall. If you are fully vaccinated, I invite you to have in-person sessions.

Take good care.