The Calm Before the Storm: Setting Up Safe Words in Peaceful Times

In the spirit of utmost preparedness, just as a meticulous fire drill is planned on a bright, non-crisis day, the establishment of safe words in a relationship must also occur during periods of calm. This proactive approach is not merely about choosing a word that will serve as an emergency brake during an argument; it's about creating a comprehensive agreement in a serene setting, where both parties are clear-headed and harmonious—far from the maelstrom of heated emotions.

The Agreement of Safe Words

The inception of safe words happens when partners are at ease, perhaps over a cup of coffee on a lazy Sunday morning, or during a reflective evening after a day spent in content companionship. It's a moment devoid of tension, where both individuals can think rationally and empathetically about their shared goals and the health of their relationship.

During this time, partners should discuss and agree upon specific words that they both feel comfortable using. These words should stand out and be uncommon enough to not be used in regular conversation, yet simple enough to be remembered even in a state of agitation.

The "Fire Drill" Approach

Just as fire drills are rehearsed to ensure a smooth and safe evacuation during a real fire, discussing and agreeing on safe words prior to an argument is an exercise in relationship safety and maintenance. It's the "fire drill" for conflict management—a rehearsal of the steps that will be taken when the heat of an argument threatens the stability of the relational structure.

By agreeing to this system in advance, both parties are committing to a rule of engagement that respects each other's need for a timeout. It's an understanding that when the safe word is spoken, it's not a tactic to win an argument or to dismiss the other’s point of view, but a mutually respected signal that things are getting too hot and it’s time to evacuate to emotional safety.

Honoring the Process

Once the safe words are integrated into the relationship's framework, it becomes crucial to honor this agreement. When a safe word is uttered, both parties must respect the pause, acknowledging it as an essential part of their communication and conflict resolution strategy.

The return to the conversation is also a built-in part of the safe-word agreement. The person who uses the safe word is also agreeing to check-in at the appointed time. See my blog post on pausing a heated conversation.

It's not sufficient to simply choose a safe word; both partners must also internalize the significance behind it—a promise to each other that they will stop, regroup, and approach the issue with a renewed perspective. This ensures that when the "fire" of conflict arises, they are ready to execute their "drill" with precision, avoiding the escalation into a full-blown conflagration.

By selecting safe words during tranquil times and committing to their use, couples engage in a critical "fire drill" for their relationship. This drill represents a shared strategy to confront the inevitable "fires" of conflict—safely and effectively. The safe word becomes a symbol of their partnership's resilience and a testament to their proactive approach to nurturing and safeguarding their bond. Thus, the true strength of a relationship may not be measured by how rarely it faces conflict, but by how well it's equipped to handle the flames of discord with grace and composure, thanks to the fire drills conducted in the serenity before the storm.

If you are finding yourself getting into repeated arguments and have a hard time doing fire-drills before the fire, get help! If you want to know more about dynamics in relationships, look at my Marriage Counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I can help in person or on video. Contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.