About Michael Kosim

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist of color whose calling is to help people heal their relationships.  Like a bad 80’s love ballad, I believe in the power of love. I feel its power every day in my own life through my relationship with my wife and also know how painful it can be when things are not right between us.  I am deeply moved by the struggles of couples to change their future together because I’ve felt that shift myself and would love to help you shift from blame and finger pointing to collaboration and hope. 

I am a generation 1.5 Chinese-Indonesian immigrant who came here when I was 4.  I grew up in small towns in Michigan and Wisconsin, but was acutely aware that I was the “different one” in school.  From the very beginning, this forced me to really understand how cultural differences impact relationships.  

In addition, I grew up in a family where adults were often either actively fighting or actively giving the silent treatment.  I yearned to understand a different way of being in relationship. In my 20’s, I explored “how to” and “how not to” do relationships.  In the meantime, I entered therapy of my own because I was feeling depressed, anxious and lost. What I found was my calling.  

As I started my training, I was very intentional.   Early in my career I knew that I had to get really good at two things: empathizing with people and maintaining non-judgement. Sometimes people think of those things as a trait, like brown eyes.  But I knew you could exercise it, just like a muscle. So I decided to work in the hardest of milieus so I could exercise those tools and help almost anyone I came across. I worked in a therapeutic San Francisco Jail.  I worked in a group home for violent teens. I worked in a city clinic that drew from a list of the 300 most expensive citizens of San Francisco (due to drug use, hospitalizations, emergency services, etc.). Finally, I volunteered in hospice work so I could learn what letting go really meant.

In my second week of training at a methadone clinic, I remember driving home and thinking,”This is what I was built for.”

FAQ

Why did you choose to be a therapist?

I wanted to give the gift of a better future to other folks.  I like to root for the underdog, the one that others think would never win the big game.  I started my work as a counselor for kids in group homes, the orphanage of our time. While I worked there, I was volunteering at Zen Hospice in San Francisco.  And I saw that people carried relationship hurts till the day they died. I wanted to change that for people. I found I was good at two things: helping people repair their relationships and heal their trauma.  

After my first week working in a methadone clinic counseling people trying to get off of opiates, I remember saying to myself,”This is what I was built for.”

Were you always a therapist?

I was originally trained as a microprocessor designer and worked for 7 years for the world’s largest semiconductor company at the time.  I learned what it was like to be in a corporation, traveled to 13 different countries, and had a lot of fun. But it wasn’t my passion.  

Even then I knew I had to have a career that meant something to me.  One of my values is being of service to others. After overcoming my own trauma and figuring out my own relationships, I understood how valuable I could be to others.  Next came the hard work of training to become a useful tool in other people’s transformations.

Why do you like working with relationship repair so much?

I am so passionate about couples work because I’ve seen the dramatic difference in couples before and after couples counseling.  I’ve seen the change in people’s faces when they are now aligned with their loved one and able to count on them.  

In addition, the relationship I have with my wife is the most important adult relationship I have.  There are times when we fight too, and I have to use the same skills I help my clients develop during those times.  It’s difficult, but I can feel the difference those skills make. Everyone will have different conflicts, but I want them to feel the difference when they can repair their own relationship.

Do you work with LGBTQ folks?

I absolutely love working with LGBTQ folks!  Depending on when you ask, 10-30% of my clients identify as LGBTQ.  I lived for 16 years in the San Francisco Bay area, which for a long time was a refuge for LGBTQ people.  I’ve worked with both gay and lesbian couples and though there are cultural things to watch out for, the dynamics of working with two people who love each other and yet fight and hurt each other is still the same.  For couples who are transgender, I definitely welcome working with you, but if the issues stem primarily from transitioning gender, I refer out because I believe that it’s a specialty and I want you to get the best treatment.

Where are you from?

This question has so many answers, so let me try to answer in every way I know how.  I grew up in various parts of Michigan and Wisconsin. Go Blue! From there, I lived in Portland, OR, moved to Singapore, then the San Francisco Bay Area.  My friends tell me that I’m ambiguously ethnic, like those models from Benetton Ads in the 80’s. Except less model-y. I check the Asian-Pacific Islander box on forms.  I am ethnically Chinese-Indonesian, and immigrated here when I was 4 years old. I consider myself a generation 1.5 immigrant. I was not born here, but my childhood was very American, yet I was always “the different kid” in class.  So I have the experience of never having quite fit in anywhere, even amongst the people I immigrated with. I was code-switching before that term was used. I examined culture and how people do relationship from an “outsider’s” perspective.  

What ethnicity clients do you work with?

I work with all ethnicities.  As long as you are fluent in English and can express emotion in English,  I can work with you. That’s just because of my deficiency in speaking only one language.  It becomes harder if you are not fluent, because expressing emotion in a foreign language can be more difficult.  If you want to work with a therapist and have a specific language you’d be more comfortable talking in, let me know and I might be able to refer you to a therapist who might speak your language.  It’s not that I don’t want to work with you -I want a good experience for you and language is that key ingredient. 

I’ve worked with people who check the “Caucasian” box on forms.  I’ve worked with African-American, LantinX clients and Asian clients.  Though for some people it’s a religious identification and for others its a cultural identification, I have worked with Jewish clients too.  

Do you work with my Christian (or any other) Faith?

I absolutely work within the confines of your faith!  I’ve worked with couples where their faith was a major force in the world.  So we use your language to talk about how the injuries you experience impact you.  How you define your belief system is absolutely respected and honored.  

I don’t lead people with quotes from the bible or texts any other faith, for that matter.  I won’t be teaching any religious principle, but will instead respect and utilize the religious principles that you find helpful.  I consider myself a Unitarian and worship in the Unitarian community.

You lived in California for so long - are you a weirdo?

Yep.  I’m pretty weird.  The good news is that most people find it nice to be around me.  Actually, I’m not so sure I’m all that weird. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be weird.  I generally believe facts are good. Evidence based stuff is good. Cooking shows that integrate science are awesome.  I like the “Hot Ones” Channel on Youtube where they interview guests while eating progressively hotter chicken wings.  That doesn’t have anything to do with science-based cooking. But it has a LOT of feelings!

What do you like most about Minnesota?

Honestly, the way that people help each other out in the snow.  The way people help each other out here is really touching and to me, speaks to the best parts of humanity. My second winter here, I commuted a ways and the winter had more snow.  In the first big snow of the season, I got trapped 5 times on the way home.  6 separate times, people shoveled me out. The first time I got stuck, I kind off threw up my hands and thought,”Is this how I go?”  And all of a sudden, someone showed up with a shovel. It was actually really touching. Minnesotans can really rally and help their neighbors out.  I love that. 

Are you funny?

Well, my 9-year old still thinks I’m funny.  My wife less so. My buddy Ryan thinks I’m pretty funny.  Oh, my 2 year old thinks I’m H-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s. 

What do you like to do in your spare time?

What spare time?  (it feels like that sometimes)  I really like Jiu Jitsu because it’s real time problem solving, but being 47 and starting a sport where the goal is to generate joint locks and chokes means I get injured so much I haven’t progressed in belts.  I love yoga, and will probably do pilates at some point. I love video games, but haven’t really had time to play them since I had kids. Actually, having kids is like a real-life version of that 80’s classic “Frogger.” Thank God for kids.