There can be a silver lining to all this. When both you and your partner address your insecurities, you can make your relationship stronger. This, in turn, has the power to reduce insecurities. It’s a positive cycle that begins with the acceptance that everyone is insecure from time to time.
Am I Commitment-phobic?
Just because you avoid being in a long-term relationship doesn’t mean you have a fear of commitment. But it might. You may fear commitment and not even realize it.
That depends on a lot of factors, including how you define “commitment.” For the purposes of this post, we stick with a basic meaning. To commit to something is to dedicate yourself to it for a long time.
Are You Sabotaging Your Relationship?
If your relationship is not going well, it’s normal to wonder why. The possibility exists that you are sabotaging things. I know, that’s hard to accept. But it’s also very hard to recognize. The underlying issues might seem invisible at the moment.
The best way to tell if you’re sabotaging your own relationship is if you’re behaving disproportionately to what’s happening to you. This often occurs because you’re either afraid of something or hurt about something. Anger often pops up to protect you in such moments. In response to that anger, people will either shut down, go away, or get big (raise voice, criticize, etc).
Defining “Sabotage”
I’m not talking about someone being cruel, mean, or abusive in the name of ending a relationship. The sabotage discussed here is far more subtle and far less intentional. You meet someone. There’s chemistry. All is going smoothly and then, without explanation, you grow distant—despite wanting this relationship to work.
Similar types of behavior can happen at any point in your relationship or marriage. The bottom line is that you cause friction where none existed. The most powerful steps you can take to avoid this trap are:
Knowing why people sabotage their relationship
Recognize the signs that you’re engaging in such sabotage
Why Do People Sabotage Their Relationships?
In each case, there will be unique factors at play. There is no way to predict and/or discuss all the possible variables. However, there is one major cause that demands your attention. Your attachment style dramatically influences all of your relationships—lovers, friends, family, co-workers, etc.
Your attachment style is created in your earliest years. How your parents and caregivers treat you shapes either a secure or insecure attachment in you. Secure is obvious. In the realm of insecurity, your style may be avoidant, anxious, preoccupied, etc.
You may have been cared for by inconsistent parents. Then again, you may have endured childhood trauma. All across the scope of “insecure,” there are reasons you stop replying to texts, cancel plans, etc. as an adult. We’ll return to this in the final section below.
How Can You Tell If You’re Sabotaging Your Own Relationship?
Withholding Sex: This means more than just the occasional “dry spell.”
Avoiding Conversations About Negative Emotions: Do these discussions make you uncomfortable or angry?
Focusing on Your Partner’s Perceived Faults: It’s a red flag if you are criticizing your spouse or partner all the time.
Anger: As mentioned up top, you may display reactions out of proportion to the situation.
Setting Unrealistic Expectations: One way to make certain your relationship lets you down is to expect your partner to be a superhero.
Breaking Promises: It could seem “minor” (like being late or skipping a chore) but they add up.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Look out for the silent treatment.
How to Stop Sabotaging Your Own Relationships
To repeat, there is a good chance your attachment style is a major factor. For that matter, your partner’s attachment style is likely an issue, too. Identifying these styles is paramount. You can work on that alone or together. Perhaps best of all, you can do this work in the presence of an experienced therapist.
Agreeing to try counseling together is a giant step toward change. You are showing a desire to learn, grow, and heal. A mediator can really help in identifying the root causes of the problem. I’d love to guide you through this process.
If the above sounded familiar in any way, we should talk. Soon. Let’s set up a free consultation and get both of you on the road to recovery. You’re better than this, and your relationship can be too.
If you want to know more about how I think of couples and relationships, come visit my couples and marriage counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.
What "Getting Better" In Marriage or Couples Counseling Looks Like
Should You Attend Couples Counseling When Planning for Retirement?
What is your retirement vision? For some, it’s relaxation, a reduction in responsibilities, connecting more with grandchildren. For others, it can be a major life stressor. Think about it: your job role is changing, your family role is changing, and perhaps expectations of you are changing. Do you know what all those entail? So, how do you prepare for such a major life change?
Fighting On Repeat: Stop Your Pattern
Why Sleeping Apart Can Be Good
There’s an idea that if you’re sleeping apart, there’s something wrong with your relationship. As with just about everything in life, things are never that simple. . . But if something is getting in the way of sex, just know that 70-80% of my couples sex problems stem from a misunderstanding. You may be experiencing a partner with lower sexual interest than you and assume that it’s because you’re not as attractive as you once were. In fact, that’s often not the case.
Is Your Relationship One-Sided?
Does Your Relationship Have A Future?
Relationship Problems Caused By Your Anxiety
Common Early Relationship Problems
How Emotional Maturity Helps
One word that can help describe emotional maturity is equanimity. It is the ability to encounter changing situations and adapt while staying grounded. . . A less obvious aspect of emotional maturity is differentiation. This pertains to the process of becoming a distinct adult human with needs and abilities unique to the family that raised you.
Your Job: Help Your Partner Hear You
It can’t be a surprise to you that relationships are work. Sure, you see the brights spots. The wonderful feeling of connection. The ecstatic feeling you get with sex. But the work comes in the maintenance. Think of it as a piece of road construction. Really romantic, eh? But there have been many examples of bridges or overpasses that collapsed due to lack of maintenance. Without people checking on the structural integrity of the bridges, through wear and use, they will collapse.
Similarly, with relationships, two people in a couple must check on each other regularly to ensure that the relationship is healthy and supporting both people.
In fact, that’s one of the jobs of the relationship - supporting the synchronization of you to your partner.
How Relationships Get Screwed Up Quickly
Often times, two people can either be fighting or in shut down mode or a combination of the two. When that happens, you’re not likely helping your partner hear you. If you’re shut down, you’re not responsive to them, and may be “gone without being physically gone.” If you’re fighting, then your criticism or yelling can be taking more attention than the important message you’re trying to get across. Instead of them hearing your message, they’re paying attention to anger. That can make you doubly upset!
Your Job: Help Your Partner Hear You
How are you helping your partner hear you? It’s hard to ask this question. You want to punish your enemy, and in an argument, that enemy is your partner, right? But let me ask you this: has punishing them allowed your arguments to end? My guess is that you’re feeling stuck in an endless loop of familiar arguments, sometimes including hurts from the past.
How You Get Stuck:
This will be different depending on the way you fight. Each of you contributes different things to perpetuate the fight, so each of your ways off your pattern are different.
Get Big: You can yell, gesticulate, criticize, character assassinate. This is often the type of fighting depicted in Hollywood movies. It’s also the easiest to point out and counter-criticize because it’s so obvious.
Go Away: This can be anything from actually physically leaving the scene to not paying attention to the other person, even as you are talking to them! You can be delivering canned answers or
Shut Down: You can start getting fearful that the next thing you say can be the wrong thing. As you get quiet, your spouse or partner can feel like you’re withdrawing from them. It can feel lonely for them, or they can feel abandoned by you. Not sure you’re shutting down? Here’s an article I wrote on shutting down. It goes over why people shut down and what they can do about it.
How To Get Heard
Here are some examples that might increase the chance your partner can really hear you.
Calm down - if you’ve taken out your verbal sword, they’re going to get defensive, or take out their “verbal shield.” Here are some ways to help you get that calmness back.
Stop At Frustration - If you’re frustrated or irritated, start calming down now. Don’t wait until you have a tidal wave of anger -you might not be able to stop a tidal wave. My article on how frustration is a small version of anger is a good start. If you can stop things and cool down when you’re frustrated, you won’t even give yourself the chance to get heated.
Come back to the discussion - If your M.O. is to leave or shut down, it’s essential that you come back and let the other person know that you’re ready to discuss the issue that’s hurting them.
Stop Fixing It - Sometimes shutting down or going away shows up as “fixing it.” Your partner is likely to experience this as you telling them they’re being a nuisance, and to stop being difficult.
Stop Stuffing it - If you respond to your fights by stuffing your feelings and shutting down, your partner will likely feel the resentment leaking out from you. They also aren’t seeing the real you. If you want to get heard, first you have to say what you need. And stuffing your feelings is kind of the opposite of that.
Apologize - If you did any of the things above and you still expect to be heard, your partner might need an apology to be able to hear you. Here’s an article I wrote on how apologies can go wrong, and how to apologize better.
Calming Down
If you’re doing any of these things, you might have to cool down a little. There are some useful articles I’ve written to help cool down. First, recognize when anger is starting to rise. It doesn’t always look “angry” at first. Sometimes it can just look like frustration or irritation.
Then read my article on slowing down to go fast. This will help you understand the pitfalls of “pushing” for resolution of an argument when you’re already spinning your wheels.
If you want to know more about how I think about couples counseling, come look at my couples and marriage counseling page. I hope you can take some of these articles and techniques and use them to shift the way you do your relationship. I really believe in the transformative nature of love and want people to have more of it. If you’re finding yourself still getting into unhelpful patterns of behavior and you’re in Minnesota, I can help. I’m in Edina near Southdale mall. I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation so you can understand if I’m a right fit for you. You can send me an email on my contact page, call me at 612-230-7171, or self schedule an appointment by clicking the button on my contact page.
The Best Investment In Your Relationship Is Attention
How to Apologize Without Saying "But"
Talk About Boredom. (With Your Partner)
Stop Dropping Truth (Bombs)
Yes, honesty is a powerful way to build trust. And when you can do it without anger, and really own your emotions, it’s a powerful transformative experience. And when you can do it without anger, and really own your emotions, it’s a powerful transformative experience. But when it’s wrapped up with anger and fighting, it can be a relationship killer.