This post is about sex. That activity that couples engage in. It’s fun. It creates this rush on the buildup. It builds a bond. It makes you feel special in the world. When you first got together with your spouse or partner, It maybe seemed like you both couldn’t get enough. Then the frequency started falling off. Perhaps it went down to once per week, then once per month. Now you may not remember when you last had sex.
Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs: Accelerators and Brakes
One of the ways I explain sexual desire (not drive) is to use the Dual-Control model developed by Erick Janssen and John Bancroft at the Kinsey Institute. The latest spin on it is from Emily Nagoski’s Book “Come As You Are.”
When we drive a car, we move forward by using the accelerator pedal and slow down using the brake pedal. Human sexual desire is governed by our own personal accelerator pedals and brake pedals. You may have a sensitive accelerator pedal, where it’s easy for internal or external conditions to increase your desire. You may have low-sensitivity accelerator pedals, where things in your environment don’t have much effect. You might have sensitive brake pedals, where desire goes down quickly due to internal or external signals telling you it's not the right time. You might have low-sensitivity brake pedals where signals in the environment or inside you don’t register and you don’t have lots of inhibition.
Now imagine that the car doesn’t just have one accelerator or one brake- it has one assigned for each internal and external stimuli. Here’s another detail: the accelerators and gas pedals may be pressed at the same time in many combinations. Complicated, isn’t it?
Some conditions may be an accelerator for some and a brake for others. Anxiety, for instance, can actually be a big accelerator for some people and a big brake for others. So imagine that anxiety is a big accelerator for you and that anxiety is a big brake for your partner. Sounds like a conflict in the making, and it doesn’t take a lot of anxiety to create conflict, because both of you react in opposite ways.
Part of what happens with sexually dissatisfied couples is that resentment starts to build up. You or your partner can start bringing sexlessness into arguments. This can feel to your partner like it’s a demand to have sex. Demands to have sex rarely go well. They are often brakes for any sexual interaction.
How To Cope When Your Spouse Or Partner Doesn’t Listen
The next two sections contain recommendations for the two types of partners (lots of brakes or lots of accelerators). You may find yourself spinning your wheels and either arguing or getting disconnected when you try to talk to your partner. If this is the case, I recommend reading one of two articles, also depending on your partner’s style when you argue.
What It’s Like On The Other Side: “My Spouse Goes Away or Gets Silent.”
What It’s Like On The Other Side: Why Does My Spouse “Come At Me?”
For the Partner With Less Sexual Desire (Lots of Brakes)
If you want sex less that your partner, you may feel pressured into sex. You may feel less attracted to them because of this pressure. You may feel guilty. You may wonder if you have lost your desire for them. You may even wish you did have more desire for them. This is a difficult thing because you may still love your partner, but this sexual difference may be killing the very thing you may want more of. Or, you may just want this whole thing to go away.
So you may think: I’ll work out more and get healthier - that may improve things. I’ll have a little wine when we go out for date nights. I’ll just change the subject. I’ll take viagra or those herbal supplements. I’ll just go along and have sex. But wait…
6 steps To Change Your Pattern
All of these possibilities are you doing the relationship alone. I want to propose that you put this difficult topic in your relationship. Too many couples seek to shift a relationship dynamic by “doing my part differently.” While that’s necessary, it’s also not sufficient. Putting it in the relationship means bringing this difficult topic into a conversation with your partner.
Tell them that you learned some new ways of thinking about sex. Have them read this article and the one specifically for partners who want more sex. Then invite them for a no-sex involved conversation. Tell them you want to understand more of what discourages them about your sex life, but that in order to have a really candid conversation, you need to have sex off the table for this conversation. You might need to say that several times. You may need to emphasize that it means off the table for this conversation, not forever. That is normal because what you’re proposing might seem unusual.
Talk about what’s an accelerator for you.
Talk about what’s a brake for you.
Make room for emotions that come. If one of you is getting angry, ask to take a timeout.
Talk about what is missing from your relationship now that sex has stopped.
Talk about what was happening with your relationship when your fighting started.
Now take stock of your conversation and see if there are other accelerators or brakes that you didn’t notice before.
For the Partner With More Sexual Desire (Lots of Accelerators)
So if you’re the partner that wants more sex, what do you do? Just stuff it? Just accept the status quo? Cheat? Here’s an alternative: start discussing this with your mate in a way that they can understand it. This is putting this difficult discussion in your relationship.
Notice that the prior alternatives were things you do separately from your mate. They are things you do as an individual. Plunking this topic down in your relationship means that you’re asking for collaboration. You won’t be solving this alone. You won’t be getting everything you want, but it will mean that won’t be alone in your distress too.
6 steps to Change Your Pattern
Now, you probably tend to “go it alone” because the pleading hasn’t worked. That makes sense. Pleading generally is going to be a sexual brake to most people. So here are some tips to talking to your mate about sex that will increase the chance they’ll want to talk to you and that your discussion will land.
Ask about their brakes
Ask about their accelerators.
Share what’s a brake for you.
Talk about what’s an accelerator for you.
Make room for emotions that come. If one of you is getting angry, ask to take a time-out.
Accept what they say! This isn’t a time for you to tell them they’re misinterpreting anything. This isn’t a time to tell them that they’re misinterpreting anything.
Talk about what is missing from your relationship now that sex has stopped.
Talk about what was happening with your relationship when your fighting started.
Now take stock of your conversation and see if there are other accelerators or brakes that you didn’t notice before.
These are really difficult conversations to have. Many couples have a difficult time talking about sex because it feels so vulnerable. If you want to have a better shared language around sex, I recommend Emily Nagoski’s book “Come As You Are.” If you both read it, it can give you a useful shared language about sex and some understanding about how you both experience sexual conflicts.
If you find yourselves triggered and unable to talk about sex without getting into fights or distressing silent periods, I recommend Emotionally Focused Therapy. So often, “fights about sex” start way before sex is even on the table. EFT helps address the runaway emotional processes that trigger couples and keep them stuck. Come check out my page on Couples/Marriage Counseling for more information.
If you’re in the Minneapolis area, feel free to contact me for help. I’m in Edina, near Southdale Mall. You can contact me the following ways: Phone: 612.230.7171, email through my web form, or click the button below to reserve a time for a 15 minute phone conversation. I look forward to talking with you.
Take good care.