At its most basic, our sense of physical orientation allows us to know where we are in the world, so that we can hope to get where we want to go. One form of disorientation, Vertigo, literally has you questioning which way is up. With the world spinning around you, vertigo can leave you feeling unsafe and unsteady. In a similar way, the Holiday season may put you in a kind of relationship vertigo.
This may not even be about fighting. This sense of disorientation can happen when your world and the people in it change drastically. The Holidays can plunk you in the middle of a strange city.. It can place you with in-laws that aren’t familiar to you. It can have strange customs from a family you didn’t grow up with.
In the middle of that chaos, you’re expected to be part of a yearly performance. A circus act of sorts, where there’s always some kind of hustle and bustle and you’re expected to act a certain way. Fill in the blanks. You may be expected to be the “perfect supportive spouse.” You may have all eyes on you because you’re the “different spouse” amongst the family. New family may be asking support from you in ways that are stressful.
The exhaustion of constant performance. The pressure of being under the microscope. The demands of new and unfamiliar people. All of these things can make for disorientation. It doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily fight with your spouse, but it means you’re more likely to be under-resourced. That can mean the difference between having a difficult conversation calmly and having a fight because you don’t have the resources to assume they meant well.
As a personal example, our Christmas holidays this year were fraught. My wife and I weren’t getting good sleep. My 8 year old son was sick and being constantly attended to by my wife, while I primarily kept tabs on our 1.5 year old. Because of our separate parenting, we felt pulled apart as a family. It was hard to understand what either of our intentions were because we were more physically separate than even normal life. We both felt lonely because we were parenting separately. If a spark entered that could have triggered me, we would have been much more likely to fight under these conditions.
How To Re-orient
I encourage all of my clients to walk into the holidays understanding that there may be some “gotchas” that pop up. Talking about the gotchas beforehand may have a protective effect. Creating plans for what to do “When Uncle Carl gets drunk again” will help you create a “team orientation” for both of you. Carving out time for each other at the end of the day so you can both reconnect may help you counteract the performance aspects of the holidays.
It can help re-orient you to have your relationship be the grounding force beneath both of you. Being willing to talk about what is going on for you and listening to your spouse’s issues are key pieces of getting your balance back. The boat might still be rocking, but with the support of your spouse and an ability for both of you to be there for each other, you may get your “sea legs” to maintain a relational stability for both of you.
A good couples therapist will help you and your spouse work more as a team and stabilize your relationship. If you need help, I recommend talking to an Emotionally Focused Therapy - trained therapist who has specific steps to address affairs. I’ve found EFT interventions helpful to reduce the underlying emotional processes that hijack relationships. If you want to find out more about how I think about marriage counseling, check out my marriage counseling page.
If you’re near the Edina in the Twin Cities area, you can reach out to me via phone: 612.230.7171, email via the contact form on this page, or click on the button below to schedule a free 15 minute phone call with me. I look forward to talking with you.