In times of conflict with your partner or spouse, it’s not unusual to perceive the situation as a sign of impending doom. Emotions are running high, and thus, have the potential to hijack your entire relationship.
You may say or do something you regret in the heat of the moment. In times like that, it might leave you wondering how things got to such a point.
Rest assured, it didn’t happen out of nowhere. You’ve fallen victim to what’s known as “the spiral.” The more you learn about this pattern, the better you and your partner can avoid it in the future.
What Is the Spiral?
It happens in increments — that’s what makes the spiral so insidious. You usually don’t even realize you’re in it until the spiraling has hit critical mass. Therefore, it’s essential to understand the process. It can be different in individual cases, but, generally speaking, it plays out as such:
Your partner does something that triggers you. This response can be knowingly or unknowingly. It can direct or indirect. But the result is the same.
You respond defensively, either launching a counterattack or avoiding an argument altogether.
Your partner responds to your aggressive or passive-aggressive expressive of anger. You haven’t given them a chance to hear what you’re honestly trying to say (e.g., you’re feeling hurt and triggered).
They feel hurt and triggered by your response.
That usually means your partner will respond with either their counterattack or avoidance.
Things simmer and fester until both of you “pop.” This climax is the heat of the moment situation in which emotions have fully hijacked the interaction.
The argument “ends” without a resolution.
I’m guessing a fair amount of that play-by-play made you squirm a bit. Perhaps it sounded familiar and maybe hit too close to home. That’s not a bad thing. To avoid the spiral, you must first recognize it.
How to Prevent Emotions From Hijacking Your Relationship
Countless factors contribute toward how you and your partner communicate and problem-solve. We can identify and analyze most of the causes — and prevent these emotions and behaviors can ruing the day.
Accept Your Role in the Spiral
It takes two. You can only control your reactions, so that’s an excellent starting point. If both partners take this approach, the spiral can be stymied.
Appreciate the Importance of Being Heard and Understood
Even in your most volatile moments, both you and your partner are seeking validation. You don’t have to agree with someone to hear them fully. Just because what’s said might be upsetting doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge understanding it.
Slow Down
The spiral loses power and momentum when you slow things down. Take a breath. Walk away for a minute if that feels right. Ask for clarification if you need it.
Choose Your Words Wisely
Once you’ve slowed things down, it positions you to think before you speak better. Remember, this is your partner, so lead with compassion. You’re not quarreling with a stranger over a parking spot (although you could choose your words more wisely then, too).
Avoid “You” Statements
While we’re on the topic of choosing words, try not to lead with “you.” “You always…” sounds like an accusation. “I feel like this when you do that” is an explanation.
When You Just Can’t Get un-Spiraled
Months or years of sliding in and out of the spiral can create a feeling of being stuck. I’ve met with and helped many couples in that state. You may feel trapped, but options always exist. If you’re interested about my thoughts about couples or marriage counseling, check out my page on marriage counseling. If you’re looking for someone to help you and you’re in Minnesota, I can help you first with a free phone consultation. Contact me at 612.230.7171, email me on my contact page, or click on the button below to self-schedule a free 15-minute consult.
Take good care.