It’s not unusual for me to ask couples that come to me for counseling some version of this question: “How do you fight?” Equally as unique is when they reply: “We don’t fight.”
At this point, I realize I need to offer a better explanation of what I mean by “fight.” I define fighting as an escalating pattern of behaviors between two people failing to resolve conflict.
Some people avoid uncomfortable conversations because they know that when everyone gets a break, the conversation gets calmer. Others attempt to go “further into” those difficult conversations. They do so to get at the root cause and solve the distress once and for all.
Define “Escalating Behaviors”
This phrase separates a fight from a resolved problem. Try recalling an encounter that didn’t escalate but, instead, ended with the issue being settled. Rather than a fight, this was an effective intervention. Both partners were able to hear each other. Problem solved.
A “fight” may start with a complaint about how your husband or wife cleans the bathroom. It grows into something more significant because of how the other partner chooses to fight. This pattern is an example of escalating behaviors and usually results in the couple feeling stuck.
Let me normalize this for you: The overwhelming majority (85%) of American heterosexual couples have a typical fighting pattern. One person gets angry and starts trying to pursue the resolution of the conflict. The other avoids the situation. (Such habits and percentages for same-sex couples are less clear.) Let’s examine this pattern by looking at its two components.
Pursuit of Resolution
This half of the equation often looks or sounds like:
Asking questions over and over again.
Physically following the other partner around while talking
Getting loud or yelling
Avoidance
Meanwhile, avoidance usually takes one of these forms:
Physically leaving the premises
Being really “logical” but not acknowledging your emotions
“Working late”
Being unavailable
Take a moment by yourself to be calm and blunt, and then ponder how familiar these patterns feel. To break out of this counterproductive cycle, both of you must accept the cycle’s existence. From there, behavior changes can and will happen.
For the Avoiding Partner
Recognize what you can gain from engaging. After all, no one wants to live in an unhealthy relationship. The trade-off for facing up to conflict is usually a deeper bond with your partner.
Also, acknowledge what your partner might be feeling. Perhaps, it felt like your partner relentlessly pursues trouble — but there is always more to these situations. For example, your avoidance may be triggering them to feel abandoned or invalidated.
Keep in mind that it helps to establish boundaries and ground rules to help define the path to resolution. Conflict may seem less daunting if you feel more in control. You have every right to set rules in advance — as long as those rules don’t all add up to putting off the uncomfortable conversations.
For the Pursuing Partner
Pick your battles. Relationships require an incredible amount of compromise. This approach means you’re well-advised to choose your battles wisely.
Furthermore, understand the value of timing. Everyone handles conflict differently. Timing plays a huge role. Of course, some issues are urgent and demand immediate attention. More typically, though, you can create a time that works for both of you. This approach is where couples counseling becomes crucial.
Notice your choice of words, and be picky in that area, too. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Avoid falling into the habit of declaring everything to be “always” or “never.”
Lastly, watch your body language. Remember, you are interacting with the love of your life. There is no need for aggressive, (literal) fingers pointing, or exaggerated sighs or shrugs. Be mindful of your gestures and facial expressions, too.
If you want to find more of my thoughts on relationships, go to my page on marriage counseling. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the button below to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.