One of my goals as a therapist is to normalize the concept of trauma for people. The constellation of behaviors that indicate trauma are, in reality, coping mechanisms. These behaviors have been generated after having experienced danger. They are put into action to increase the chances of a person’s survival should something happen again.
Remember fight, flight, or freeze? They are the broad categories of post-traumatic behaviors. Each of them has a way of showing up in behavior, and each of them can make the traumatized person’s partner feel hurt. Let’s explore these behaviors and their often misunderstood impact on a relationship.
Why Fight, Flight, or Freeze?
A physical example can make these responses easier to understand. Imagine, in our distant evolutionary past, if there was a rustling in the bushes right before a lion jumped out. If you made it out alive, the next time there was rustling in the bushes, you’d go into fight/flight/freeze mode to increase your chances of survival. This response happens faster than the conscious awareness of what’s happening.
In today’s world, there is a far lesser chance of you being attacked in such a manner. Even so, your brain is still wired the same way. It reacts to danger or perceived danger. These Stone Age responses happening in a Space Age world can start dictating how you behave to your spouse, your boss, or your friends. What was previously a coping mechanisms starts becoming a burden.
1. Fight
This response is the easiest to understand of the bunch. When you feel triggered, do you ramp up your voice? Does it start taking a tone? Do you start feeling physiological effects? Do you get tense in any way? Does your heart start racing? Does your mind start racing? All of these (and more) are examples of your brain slipping into fight mode.
2. Flight
When you start disagreeing with your partner, does it feel like you want to clam up? Do you excuse yourself to focus on the car, house, or kids? Are you finding yourself getting super-logical and not empathizing with your partner when in calm moments you can?
You don’t have to flee physically to disconnect from your partner. “Staying with logic” can feel protective for yourself without leaving. In other words, you can “flee” while staying in place.
3. Freeze
Sometimes it isn’t about fighting back. Sometimes, you can feel like a “deer in the headlights.” Questions may be coming at you faster and faster, and yet, your mind sits still. You feel unable to process anything. You may even be able to reflect that you “feel stuck.”
How It Can Feel to Someone On The Other End
How would your partner experience these reactions? The following are some common examples:
Reaction to “Fight”
Your partner can find themselves reeling from the sudden energy. It may be a surprise for them. Fighting behaviors that indicate anger can provoke anger in return — or it can result in a retreat.
Reaction to “Flight”
Seeing you flee the scene, either physically or emotionally, can trigger feelings of abandonment and loneliness. Loneliness can be incredibly hard in a relationship because it’s the one place where you and your spouse expect camaraderie.
Reaction to “Freeze”
Freezing can also feel like you’re fleeing. It can also feel like “you don’t care.” I’ve even heard it felt like, “You can’t hear me!” The response could be anger, passive-aggression, or freezing of their own.
Adding in a Fourth Response: Focus
When you become aware of these intrinsic patterns, you’re able to handle situations differently. After all, there isn’t honestly a lion leaping out from the bushes.
I’m here to help you recognize that your danger response is being triggered by an argument that “brings you back” to an old familiar feeling. Changing the outcome depends on you reacting calmly to what’s in front of you, not what may have happened to you before. Instead, you can fend off fight-flight-freeze with the focus to de-escalate and resolve.
But this takes agreements ahead of time and practice. I tell my clients that insight is required but not sufficient. There may be “aha” moments, but you have to actually exercise skills in your relationship. Having someone tell you the finer points of throwing a football and the rules of the game doesn’t mean you can throw the ball and have your husband/wife/partner catch it 10 yards away. That takes skill building on both your parts and coordination between you two.
How To Change
Getting out of this fight/flight/freeze response will take calming and space. I wrote a post some time ago on a simple breath-based calming technique anyone can use when under stress and in need of calming. It’s called Square Breathing. I’m not the genius who invented this. I just use it in my own life and with my clients. It takes advantage of your body’s own neurological mechanisms to calm itself. If you want to do “the next step”, then look at my article on going slow to go fast.
If you want to find out more about how I think about marriage counseling, read through my marriage counseling page. If you want help changing the way you respond to your spouse or partner and you’re in Minnesota, I can help. I am physically in Edina, west of Minneapolis, but am seeing everyone by video.
Finally, if you’re in Minnesota, I am doing video sessions for couples and would be happy to help. Contact me at 612.230.7171, email me via my contact page, or click on the link below to self-schedule a call with me to see if we’re a match.