Breaking news: Relationships are hard. They are inevitably difficult and, at times, can feel impossible. You and your partner will be compelled to dig in and bust your asses with all the challenging work that needs to be done.
You may not be in the mood, or you may not have the energy. But unless you make this commitment on a regular basis, your troubles will multiply. In those darkest of moments, there may be a tendency to feel hopeless. This isn’t automatically a bad thing. However, hopelessness must never, ever be used as a weapon.
The Reality of Hopelessness
Consult the nearest search engine and you’ll find countless inspirational quotations about hopelessness. Many focus on how desperation leaves you in the position to see and try new approaches. So again, hopelessness is not inherently as negative as it appears.
That said, there are some serious factors that may warrant a lack of hope. From infidelity to any kind of abuse, it is crucial to not downplay a crisis. What I’m focusing on here is a less urgent and more common phenomenon. Any of us can maintain a distorted perception of our relationship. This is a powerful sign that more effort is required.
Hopelessness as a Weapon
Let’s return to those instances when you know it’s time to work on your connection. There are many reasons you might shy away from this commitment. Perhaps the two most common are:
The amount of work ahead of you feels daunting
You recognize that this work will require you to hold yourself accountable and change some of your behaviors
Either of these (or a combination of both) could result in trying anything to avoid the process. For example, you may proclaim something like: “Well, I don’t even know if we can make this work.” This is using hopelessness as a weapon. Consciously or unconsciously, you are manipulating your partner to:
Back off from the work
Not pressure you to change
How to Avoid Using Hopelessness as a Weapon in Relationships
Don’t Mistake the Present For the Future
What looks or feels “bad” right now probably won’t always look and feel the same. Choose to be mindful in the present moment. Address the issues without imagining that you “know” what will happen tomorrow, next year, or two years from now.
Trust Your Connection
To avoid addressing your emotions may be an expression of fear. You may fear being exposed or made vulnerable. But this is your life partner. They are precisely the person who can comfort you — even when you haven’t been at your best.
Accept Conflict is Inevitable
Every couple has disagreements. Accept this universal reality. Conflict is normal and should not be a source of shame… or hopelessness.
Create Goals Together
The only way out of hopelessness is through it. Work together to make sure something is waiting on the other side.
Embrace Gratitude
No matter how bad things appear to be, there are always reasons to feel grateful. Identify them. Express them. Let your partner know you appreciate them — even when times are tough.
Name Your Feelings
Speak openly and directly. Tell your spouse what you are feeling. “I’m scared of losing you” is WAY more productive and honest than “We can never fix this!”
Every single couple in the world will experience hopelessness at some point. What matters most is how you deal with it. There is no user’s manual for such situations, but there is couples’ therapy. If you want to find out more, check out my thoughts on marriage and relationships. If you’re in Minnesota, you can work with me by contacting me either by phone: 612.230.7171, email me through my contact form.
Take good care.