Certain bits of advice get repeated so often that they become considered true by default. That includes drinking eight glasses of water per day, walking 10,000 steps daily, and “never going to bed angry.” Let’s focus on that last one, shall we? While it is typically used to warn cohabitating couples, this nugget has applications all across the spectrum.
As with most carved-in-stone truisms, “never go to bed angry” is not a one-size-fits-all credo. When pondering this concept, it makes the most sense to examine why it may work in some instances while making things worse at other times.
Should You Ever Go to Bed Angry?
Anger Can Make You Behave Impulsively
Here’s a catch-22 for you. Many regrets have occurred when interacting with someone while you are angry. Therefore, you might take this as a sign that going to bed angry makes sense. It will give you time to get past the emotional stage and thus communicate more calmly in the morning.
Then again, laying down to sleep when you are angry gives the emotion time to build. Before you drift off, you may replay the details and get madder. Plus, studies show that sleeping with unresolved anger can cause an enduring negative association with the events that created the anger. So, again, this could be a case-by-case decision.
The Function Of Anger
I tell people that anger and its lesser cousins irritation, frustration, and annoyance serves to either push people away or breakthrough people’s defenses. It’s really good at that job. The problem is, when anger (and its cousins) enters the room, it takes up all the attention. That means that instead of paying attention to how they hurt you, your partner can instead focus on your “attitude” or your raised voice instead of paying attention to this very vulnerable hurt you have.
This can cause you to get even angrier. Pay attention to the fact that I’ve said irritation, frustration, and annoyance can function the same way. I explain it in my article on frustration=anger.
Anger Can Make You Feel Physically Worse by Morning
There’s a reasonable likelihood that you will have trouble falling asleep. Even when you do, the quality of your sleep may suffer. Not to mention, anger is energy intensive. It requires more work to hold into it. Resolving the conflict, therefore, has the potential to relax you and contribute toward a better night of sleep.
The problem is - can you actually begin to resolve a conflict or will it continue to ramp up? One of the ways I help couples deal with fights that start ramping up is by taking calming breaks. This means you’re actively trying to calm yourself. Because if you’re too angry, staying up and “resolving it” is likely to make things worse.
But Each Person Processes Anger Differently
Not everyone benefits from prioritizing “no anger before bed.” Anger is an emotion that requires processing. If you feel you “must” create an artificial deadline as to when the anger is over, it is not healthy for you. That emotion will manifest in other, counterproductive ways. You have every right to set and enforce a boundary that your anger is valid and needs some processing—regardless of the time of day.
A Connection Before Bed?
Maybe the credo should be about not going to bed without some reassurance. This may or may not mean you are still angry, but it lays the groundwork for progress the following day. Three suggestions:
1. Pause the Anger and Communicate
Remind yourselves that they are not the enemy. If it feels like they are, you’re still fighting. Contract to talk again when you’re calmer and then check in with them again at the agreed upon time.
2. Commit Together to Conflict Resolution
Reassure each other that, no matter how mad you feel right now, your top collective priority is to work toward a healthy resolution. The goal should never be to avoid disagreement or anger. But it can be fine to agree on taking a break. Seal this pledge with some type of gentle gesture. Again, make it clear that while tensions are running high, you still care deeply and very much want to return to your homeostasis.
There’s a 6-step method that I’ve adapted from Terry Real that I describe in my article on feedback without fighting.
3. Calm Yourself
This might actually mean going to sleep. If so, fine. If not, do something that you enjoy—something that distracts and calms you, e.g.
Reach out to a trusted friend or family member
Engage in some basic self-care
Find a funny video or two to watch
Has Conflict Become an Issue?
Every couple will have their share of arguments. But if you find yourselves constantly putting out fires, it could be beneficial to speak with a couples therapist. I’ve helped many, many couples and would love to do the same for you.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.