Here’s the TLDR (too long, didn’t read): Emotional infidelity is engaging in a closeness with someone outside your relationship that your partner would feel violated the trust in your relationship. Sound vague? Sound hard to define? It doesn’t have to be either.
What Is Emotional Infidelity?
Each couple gets to decide what they define as cheating. Almost without fail, the definition they choose centers on trust. It could be flirting or openly checking someone out or secretly consuming pornography. The list is virtually endless, but the vibe is familiar. One partner willfully does something that the other partner doesn’t want them to do. Trust is betrayed and the problems flow from there.
Have you ever considered that you could betray someone’s trust and not initially realize it? That’s where emotional infidelity comes into play. It does not have to involve an erotic component (although it sometimes does). The key factor is that a person in a committed relationship creates a deep emotional bond with another person, to the detriment of that committed relationship.
Let’s say a husband befriends a co-worker. On the surface, this seems positive. Everyone needs a social circle that extends beyond their spouse. And it can be positive if this friendship is transparent and does not undermine your relationship in any way. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.
What Does Emotional Infidelity Look and Feel Like?
It has at least a little bit of a secretive flavor to it
You feel less lonely or more validated by this person
You find yourself thinking about this person — a lot
It leads you to compare your partner with the close friend
You share emotional thoughts and information with them that you haven’t shared with your partner
It’s not unusual for you to complain about your relationship with the friend
“Venting” sessions get more and more personal
You come to rely on this person for their emotional labor
If your partner brings this person up, you get defensive and angry
Of course, this is just a sampling. Each scenario is different and can vary widely depending on the specifics. As mentioned above, all of it may be soaring right over your head. You feel grateful to have someone to lean on. You may also feel good about yourself for allowing a new friendship to develop. Both of these could be the case. But, re-read the list above.
If any of these trends have become the norm, you need to do some soul searching.
Try This Important Litmus Test
Firstly, this is not to suggest that any couple should be secretly trying to read each other’s texts or DMs. That said, ask yourself this: How would you feel if your partner read the messages you exchange with the other person?
In every relationship, it is essential that each partner develop an independent life beyond being part of a couple. Even so, “independent” is not the same as “secretive” or “inappropriate.” Whether or not you meant for things to go in this direction, they have the potential to harm your relationship. It is time to have a long talk about this.
Such a discussion might be best facilitated by an experienced couples counselor. If any of the above hit close to home, I invite to you reach out.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to understand how you can let go of an unhealthy relationship, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.