Childhood relationships very much shape adult relationships. This is basically the premise of attachment theory. How your caregivers behaved toward you from infancy plays a major role in how you connect and attach with others. This is not a permanent setting, but it often feels invisible. It’s not easy to recognize why you behave in relationships as you do.
One type of attachment is avoidant. This is typically the result of being raised by a caretaker who was not fully present. They did meet the physical and emotional needs of the child. If your partner falls into this category, you may already know that communication can be tricky.
Signs That Your Partner Is Avoidant
Since their past traumas are likely suppressed, the avoidant partner may display behaviors and tendencies like:
Trust issues
Not willing to commit
Lack of intimacy
Very, very independent
Fear of rejection
Avoiding conflict
Emotionally unavailable
Don’t ask for help
Not attuned with their partner’s emotions or emotional needs
Before we continue, let me repeat: You can change your attachment style. Your avoidant partner would probably love to feel and behave differently. What they need is healthy communication and some encouragement to seek help.
How to Communicate with an Avoidant Partner
The first step is to do your homework on attachment styles. Learn more about your partner’s style—and your own.
Avoid Taking it Personally
As challenging as it feels, your partner is not avoiding you because of who you are. They avoid everyone in one way or another. After not having their needs met, they expect to be let down and thus have trouble trusting. If you can avoid taking this personally, you will be better positioned to help them address their underlying problems.
Give Them Space
Sure, an avoidant partner will take space whether anyone likes it or not. Your task is to stay connected without pursuing them. This will not feel good for either of you. When it comes to communication specifically, it could help to schedule times for face-to-face discussions.
Be Direct When Discussing Your Needs
Complaining or hinting is never a good idea. This goes double when you’re with an avoidant partner. Directly explain what you want or need in a clear, compassionate manner. Most importantly, clarify in no uncertain terms that you wish to enhance your communication as a couple.
Set Boundaries
Just because you’re committed to helping your partner, it doesn’t mean you have to tolerate toxic or abusive behaviors. Set clear boundaries. Enforce them if necessary. Respect your partner’s boundaries. This pattern of mutual respect can lay the groundwork for improvements in communication.
Be a Good Listener
Your partner has felt neglected and abandoned. They need to be shown that you take them seriously and will offer a compassionate ear. This can create a space where they begin feeling safe opening up to you.
Self-Care for Someone with an Avoidant Partner
It’s tough to admit, but you need to set realistic expectations. Yes, your partner can change their attachment style. If they are unwilling to do this work, you may find yourself awfully unhappy. Let your partner know you are willing to meet them halfway. Compromise is possible. But again, they must make the effort to change.
You can’t change or rescue them. Accepting this reality can leave you with a tough decision. Before things get to this point, there is always the option of couples counseling. Even if your partner seems resistant to change, they can see things differently within a therapy setting. You both have the benefit of getting an experienced, unbiased voice in the room. By doing this work, you can reveal patterns and begin seeing that solutions become possible.