Communication is a key element of any relationship. But what happens when your partner appears to actively avoid such interactions? This is not only frustrating. It can leave you feeling neglected and even abandoned. However, if your partner has an avoidant attachment style, this dynamic is not unusual.
Having unreliable, dismissive, or distant caregivers during childhood can lead to being an avoidant partner in adulthood. Fully trusting others feels unsafe to them. Intimacy is not the norm. But being emotionally unavailable makes it tough to connect with others. And here you are, in love with someone who displays these traits. What can you do to bridge the gap?
But First, Are You Sure It’s About Attachment Style?
Some people may display signs that they are avoidant but are actually just inconsiderate or uncommunicative partners. They might not value your relationship or view it as “serious.” Other reasons could include:
They are seeing other people
Their life is very busy
Your relationship is new, and they’re giving it time
There’s another problem but they are opting to not mention it
In other words, if your partner is behaving in a way that appears avoidant, it is crucial that you do what you can to talk about it with them. If, however, you have reason to be certain that an avoidant attachment style is present, you will need some tips for communicating.
5 Tips for Communicating With an Avoidant Partner
1. Get Ready to Be Vulnerable
Vulnerability is the way both of you can connect. If you’re not being vulnerable, you might be criticising or shutting down, or avoiding. Any of those things can be harmful to a relationship. They may be damaging the relationship by avoiding, but if you attack them, you’ll be damaging the relationship too. There are some ways that an irritated complaint can be changed to one an avoidant partner is more likely to hear.
”You never schedule our dates!” becomes “I’m so hurt that you haven’t scheduled our dates.”
“You can’t even be bothered to pick up your own underwear off the floor!” becomes “The thing that bothers me is that I’ve asked you to do this and you agree, but you don’t take action.”
“We never have sex! You’re always too tired!” becomes “I guess I’m mostly afraid that you don’t find me attractive anymore.”
These are examples of shifts in vulnerability in communications. To be more complete in your communications if you need to give feedback or make a request, see my article on feedback without fighting.
2. Lead With Compassion
Even before you make time to talk, it’s important to demonstrate your trustworthiness. An avoidant partner will need to feel safe before they can openly communicate.
Lead with compassion. Remind them that you’re not going anywhere and you’re willing to do the work to connect more deeply. Also, don’t just spring it on them that you need to talk. Plan ahead.
3. Understand That Trust Takes Time
An avoidant partner will not just let go, relax, and trust. They learned some tough lessons as a child and it’s not easy for them to believe your love is for real. They will test even you at times.
This won’t be fun for you, but it is probably necessary for them. But keep in mind that attachment styles are not permanent. Your patience can pay off by creating a space for your partner to change and evolve.
4. Learn More About Their Past
If your partner is able to discuss their childhood, this can be very instructive.
Validate what they went through
Reflect to them what you heard. “I’m hearing that you’re hurt about me not making you coffee.”
Help them name their emotions
Listen attentively and stay present
It doesn’t just have to be about learning about all the bad stuff. Find out what positive memories they have and build on that.
5. Express Your Needs and Boundaries, Too
You should not be expected to simply compromise and sacrifice. Yes, you want to honor your partner’s needs. But it is just as critical that you honor your own needs, too. This conversation must be respectful but direct.
So, before broaching this topic, you should take solo time to identify your emotions, triggers, needs, and deal-breakers. It can be helpful to work with a therapist while doing such work (see below).
Therapy Can Help
You may choose individual or couples counseling (or both). Each situation is unique and requires careful contemplation. Still, whatever you choose, it can be extremely beneficial to work with a seasoned professional. Your weekly sessions are where you learn more about attachment styles — your partner’s and yours. The skills and tools you develop in therapy can be essential.
If you are in Minnesota, find yourself confused and worried about connecting with your avoidant partner, I urge you to reach out. Let’s set up a free and confidential consultation to get things moving in a positive direction. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.