Have you ever heard of inner child work? Sure, it might sound New Agey but it also has tangible value in the material world. Whether we are in touch with it or not, we all experience challenges during childhood. More than two-thirds of children experience at least one trauma before they turn 16. These experiences very much influence how we think and behave as adults.
If our needs weren’t met during our developmental years, we may end up on an endless quest to get them met. This can manifest in counterproductive ways which, for example, may hamper your relationships. But there’s good news. You can heal those unmet childhood needs.
Concepts
Here is some essential vocabulary to to help talk about how childhood trauma can impact the adult mind. Each of these categories is a way that your mind adapted to traumatic stressors to survive. And here is the dynamic tension - it’s useful to think of these facets of your mind as successful survival adaptations, not some sort of moral failing. In addition, the adaptive child part of you figured out a way out of your situation. But may no longer be helpful in your adult relationships.
Wounded child - The part of the psyche that represents the stage of childhood that experienced abuse or neglect, sometimes before even developing the language to talk about it. Experiences both a need for connection but often is overwhelmed.
Adaptive child - The psyche that was developed at the point where you figured out how to do things differently to survive. Sometimes this means you as a child got really quiet when things went wrong. Sometimes this means that you “got big” and fought back. This let you grow up and get out of that environment. It was a successful adaptation. Now these same tendencies show up in your marriage.
Wise Adult - The abilities you got as you got older and allows many people to accomplish things at work. One of the manty reasons why your spouse can communicate all day at work, get along and maybe lead a big team of people, but come home and fight or shut down when you try to talk to them. This is where logic resides, this is where the mature adult that takes calculated risks, after careful assessment resides.
First Things First: How to Heal Unmet Childhood Needs
Here is something us marriage therapists say: marriage therapy is a kind of trauma therapy. Why? The inner child is the adaptive piece of you that figured out how to get big, run away, or shut down in response to threat. If you’re in an adult relationship, those adaptations may not be helpful for you anymore. Even though the wounded child is the youngest part of the three parts above, it’s the adaptive child that needs to understand that it no longer is responsible for looking out for you. It doesn’t need to run away anymore. It doesn’t need to screem at your spouse. It no longer needs to shut down.
In good couples or marriage therapy, you not only do inner child work, but you also
Find Out What Your wounded child is Feeling
Your wounded child might be mad. They might feel fear, guilt, abandonment, anxiety, or any number of emotions because their needs were not properly met. Identifying these unmet needs — and the emotions they provoke — is a big first step.
Keep a Journal
Start patching together the stories. This will come in handy when you begin connecting your past with some of the problems you’re having right now with your partner. Narratives come in handy because they are an accumulation of the patchwork fo stories you’ve developed to make sense of the world. As an adult, you can piece them together and see what the overarching narrative is. It may no longer make sense. This is normal. Some of these memories may be from when you were so young, your understanding of the world is very primitive.
Re-Parent Yourself
If your childhood caregivers were not what you needed, you can re-parent yourself now. Be the parent you always wanted and needed. This involves being able to connect with your wounded child (see above) and let them know that you’ve got this now. Looking at your adaptive child and letting them know it’s ok to let their guard down gives them permission to rest. In doing so, you can reduce the reactivity you feel in arguments, or when you encounter a trigger.
Recognize the Process
Healing is not a linear path with a clear finish line. It’s an ongoing journey of discovery. Start with where you are , and realize that there will be times where you feel like you’re taking one step forward and two steps back. That’s not failure - that’s you at the edge of competence. It’s where learning happens. If you only do things you know how to do, you’re not learning anything. But when you’re doing something as difficult as reparenting yourself, you’re bound to have irregular progress.
How Healing Unmet Childhood Needs Benefits Your Relationship
Less Manipulation
A child that is not getting their needs met may fall back on the little power they have. This often leads to them learning how to manipulate situations. In an adult relationship setting, such a choice is called “toxic.” Healing your wounds positions you to ask for what you need rather than rely on manipulation.
Less Conflict
Children who feel neglected or abandoned are frustrated. They lack the intellectual skills to negotiate this disconnect so the fallback response is anger. Do you throw literal or metaphorical tantrums now as an adult when you don’t get your way? Have all your relationships been brimming with conflict? If you answered yes to these questions, your inner child would like to have a conversation with you.
Less Shut Down or Withdrawl
The number one coping mechanism for children is what is called dissociation. Dissociation looks a lot like day dreaming. Children don’t have a lot of agency to change their situation, so moving their attention to their inner world allows them relief. People who shut down in their adult relationships may find immediate relief from the difficult situation, but their spouses regularly report feeling alone or abandoned.
More Honesty
As a kid, you may have run from trouble. When confronted with something you did, you might have blamed someone else. Children avoid honesty when they fear the consequences. As an adult — and as part of a relationship — you must hold yourself accountable and interact from a place of honesty. Inner child work guides you to this crucial conclusion.
More Good Emotions
If a child’s needs remain unmet, they may withhold emotions. They do this because they fear rejection and/or because it feels like a punishment to the person they’re angry with. A dynamic like this in an adult relationship prevents you from being vulnerable and from getting close to your partner. When unmet needs are addressed, these doors will open.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
You should, of course, involve your partner in this work. But also, the process can become more clear when you work with a therapist. I’ve worked with countless clients seeking to heal unmet childhood needs and I’d be happy to do the same with you. Let’s talk soon.
If you want to know more about how I think of couples, go to my marriage counseling page. If you are needing help and are in Minnesota, I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.