Do you get accused of nagging or pestering your spouse or partner in arguments? Do you get a finger pointed at you as being “emotional” or “overreacting?” You may have a specific attachment style that I talk about with my couples called a “pursuit” attachment style.
I am a therapist that has trained in both Gottman Method for Couples, and Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT). One of the key concepts in EFT is the idea of attachment styles, which are patterns of relating that people develop early in life based on your temperament in combination with experiences with caregivers. This is simply a style. This is not some sort of moral deficiency. It can also be a strength. For example, pursuers generally seek the root-cause resolution of disagreements. But attachment styles can have a significant impact on how you relate to your romantic partners, and can contribute to relationship distress if you don’t understand and address the limitations of your style.
Pursuit Is An Attachment Style
If you are a pursuer, you crave emotional connection and validation from your partner, and may often feel anxious and insecure when you don't receive it. You may seek out reassurance from your partner, but may also become critical or demanding if you feel your needs are not being met.
Another way to think of it is that you as a pursuer have a “go-to” behavior that you engage in when you are in a difficult conversation. You pursue the resolution of that argument/debate/discussion. This in itself isn’t bad. But it can become problematic when it starts harming your relationship.
4 Ways Pursuit Can Harm Your Relationship
Here are some ways that you as a pursuer can inadvertently harm your relationship with your partner:
Criticism and blame: Pursuers may become critical of their partner if they feel their emotional needs are not being met. You may blame your partner for not being emotionally available, or for not responding in the way you want. This can create a cycle of negativity and defensiveness that damages the relationship.
Emotional intensity: Pursuers may feel intense emotions and express them in ways that are overwhelming for your partner. You may become emotional or dramatic in your communication, which can make your partner feel overwhelmed or helpless. Terry Real calls it “unbridled self-expression.”
Overfunctioning: You may take on too much responsibility for the relationship, trying to control or fix problems on your own. You may become resentful if your partner does not contribute as much as you would like, or if you feel you are doing all the work.
Pursuing distance: Paradoxically, you may inadvertently push your partner away by pursuing them too aggressively. This can create a sense of pressure or suffocation for your partner, who may feel the need to pull back or create distance.
These patterns of interaction can create significant distress in a relationship, leading to feelings of resentment, disconnection, and even relationship breakdown. However, by understanding these patterns and learning to communicate in healthier ways, you can improve their relationship with their partner and build a deeper sense of emotional intimacy.
Pursuit Fatigue
Both the pursuer and their partner can experience fatigue from the behavior of pursuit. You as a pursuer can find it exhausting and discouraging, because when pursuers really turn up the volume, their partners can really withdraw and wall-up. Your partner can find it fatiguing to be defending themselves or attempting to make you happy but not making headway.
The Antidote to Pursuit Fatigue
I work with couples to identify their attachment styles and explore the ways in which they may be contributing to relationship distress. By helping you understand your own emotional needs and pursuit behavior, you can learn to communicate in ways that are more constructive and effective.
For example, I may work with you to help you express your emotions in a more balanced and non-threatening way. I can also help you develop strategies for self-soothing and managing your own anxiety, so that you can communicate in a calmer and more focused way.
I will also help you develop a more collaborative approach to problem-solving, encouraging you to work with your partner to identify solutions that work for both of you. This can help alleviate the pressure and responsibility that you may often feel, while also building a sense of shared responsibility and partnership in the relationship.
Overall, the key to overcoming the negative patterns of interaction associated with pursuer attachment style is to develop greater emotional awareness, empathy, and communication skills. By learning to communicate in a more constructive and effective way, you can improve your relationship with their partner and build a deeper sense of emotional intimacy and connection. Let me help you find a better way out of your conflicts - together.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn how to get unstuck, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.