In any relationship, communication serves as the foundation for understanding, empathy, and conflict resolution. However, when anger arises, it often acts as a significant barrier to effective communication. Here’s how your anger can interfere with conveying your point to your spouse, leading to misunderstandings, escalating conflicts, and a breakdown in communication. By understanding the detrimental effects of anger, you can employ strategies to overcome these obstacles and foster healthier and more productive interactions with your partner.
Anger as a Barrier to Listening:
Your anger is an intense emotion that tends to cloud your rational thinking and impede your ability to actively listen. When you become angry, your focus often shifts from understanding your spouse's perspective to defending your own position. Consequently, you may interrupt, dismiss, or ignore your partner's thoughts and feelings. This lack of attentiveness prevents a meaningful exchange of ideas and hinders the overall effectiveness of communication.
Anger's Impact on Emotional Regulation:
Another way in which your anger interferes with getting your point across to your spouse is by sabotaging your emotional regulation. Anger triggers physiological responses, such as an increased heart rate and elevated blood pressure, which can impair your logical reasoning and contribute to impulsive reactions. This can lead to what I call “Hollywood fighting,” where people start with irritation and annoyance, but can quickly ramp up to getting a “tone” and yelling. To understand this more, look at my blog post on fight responses to anger.
Here’s where it gets confusing: Anger doesn’t always result in Hollywood style fighting. It can, but not always. When people get angry, they can go into fight, flight, or freeze. Flight or freeze responses look very different from the “Hollywood fight” responses.
The way flight looks in real life is that the angry person can physically leave, or they can “leave without leaving.” This can look like one person “icing out” the other. Another way to “leave without leaving” is to get really “logical” or “argumentative. Logic applied in this circumstance can be a way someone to “escape” difficult emotions.
Freezing can look very similar, but generally looks less angry and more unresponsive. People in freeze mode can also feel a sense of overwhelm along with their anger. Take a look at my article on shutting down or going away to understand more about what is going on with them.
Blurring the Message with Intense Emotional Expression:
Your anger often involves intense emotional expression, which can be overwhelming for your spouse. While you may feel that your emotions are justified, the intensity and aggression can distract your spouse from understanding the underlying message. Your spouse may become defensive, withdraw emotionally, or focus solely on de-escalating the situation rather than addressing the core issues. Consequently, the original point you intended can get lost amidst the emotional turmoil, hindering effective communication.
The Role of Assumptions and Negative Interpretations:
When anger is present, you may be more prone to making assumptions and interpreting your spouse's words or actions in a negative light. This distorted perception can fuel further anger and lead to a cycle of miscommunication. For example, if you are already angry, you may interpret a harmless comment or action from your spouse as intentional or hurtful, even if it was not intended that way. These negative interpretations can quickly derail the conversation and prevent the true message from being conveyed.
In my blog post about using Terry Real’s feedback wheel technique, I highlight the most important aspect of it: “The story in my head is…” This technique allows you to tell your spouse or partner what you’re wrestling with, but you’re taking ownership that it’s just a thought in your head. “The story in my head is that your anxiety takes control over you, and you can’t control yourself,” tends to go better than “You always ruin our vacations by overthinking things!”
Overcoming Anger's Interference:
Recognizing and addressing the interference caused by your anger is crucial for improving communication within your marriage or relationship. Here are a few strategies for you to consider:
Self-awareness: Develop self-awareness of your emotional state. Recognize the signs of anger and its impact on communication, and take steps to manage your emotions before engaging in conversations with your spouse.
Active listening: Cultivate active listening skills. Focus on your spouse's words, thoughts, and emotions to de-escalate anger and foster a more productive dialogue. Try to re-state what they just said to keep you focused on their needs when they’re speaking. If you focus on them, you’ll focus less on your next retort.
Emotional regulation techniques: Engage in relaxation exercises, such as deep breathing or taking a short break from the conversation, to help manage your anger and prevent impulsive reactions. This allows you to regain control and respond in a more constructive manner.
Use "I" statements: Frame statements with "I" rather than "you" to promote ownership of your emotions and opinions without blaming or accusing your spouse. This approach encourages open dialogue and minimizes defensiveness.
If you are already using “I” statements and you’re still getting into anger cycles, read my article on Feedback Without Fighting.
Seek professional help if necessary: In cases where anger becomes a persistent issue, do not hesitate to seek professional assistance. A therapist or counselor can provide guidance and support in intervening in angry moments.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, swing by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want help managing shutdown, going away, or fighting, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.