I often get a couple coming in where they complain about the other person and expect me to adjudicate their conflict. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who cares? As Terry Real likes to say, “Would you like to be right, or would you like to be married?” My framework for couples is this: Relationship is two individuals working as a team against the inherent neurological responses that can disrupt a functional marriage. These responses—fight, flight, freeze, and fawn—are deeply embedded in our biology, and they often arise in the face of perceived threats, including emotional conflicts within a relationship.
The key to a resilient and thriving relationship lies in understanding these neurological responses and developing strategies to manage them as a team. Let's take a look at these responses and explore how couples can work together to mitigate their impact.
The Neurological Basis of Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn
Our nervous system is wired to respond to threats in ways that have historically ensured our survival. These responses are known as fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, and they are activated by the amygdala, the brain's alarm system.
Fight: This response involves confronting the perceived threat with aggression or confrontation. In relationships, it can manifest as arguments, yelling, or defensive behaviors.
Flight: This response involves escaping the threat, which can translate into withdrawing from the partner, avoiding discussions, or physically leaving the space.
Freeze: This response involves becoming immobilized or numb. In a relationship, it can look like shutting down, becoming unresponsive, or feeling stuck.
Fawn: This response involves appeasing the threat to avoid conflict. In relationships, it might appear as people-pleasing, overly agreeing, or neglecting one’s own needs to keep the peace.
These responses are automatic and often occur before we even have a chance to process what’s happening. When both partners are triggered, it can lead to a cycle where one person's reaction triggers the other's, creating a feedback loop that can quickly spiral out of control.
The Cycle of Triggering
Here’s a quick working definition I give to clients about triggers: anything in your present that is close enough to something in your past that dropped you into fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Now, imagine a scenario where one partner feels criticized and their fight response is triggered. They might respond with defensiveness or anger, which in turn triggers the flight response in the other partner, who then withdraws. This withdrawal can further trigger feelings of abandonment or rejection in the first partner, intensifying their fight response. The cycle continues, with each person's reaction fueling the other's.
This pattern can also involve freeze or fawn responses. For example, one partner's withdrawal (flight) might trigger the other's freeze response, leading to a situation where neither partner is able to communicate effectively or address the underlying issue. Similarly, one partner's aggressive behavior (fight) might trigger the other's fawn response, resulting in a dynamic where one partner constantly appeases the other at the expense of their own needs.
Working as a Team to Break the Cycle
Breaking this cycle requires both partners to work together as a team. Here are some strategies to help couples manage their neurological responses and foster a healthier dynamic:
Self-Awareness and Mutual Understanding
The first step in managing these responses is self-awareness. Each partner needs to recognize their own triggers and typical reactions. This involves reflecting on past conflicts and identifying patterns in their behavior.
Equally important is understanding your partner's triggers and responses. Open, non-judgmental conversations about how each person typically reacts in stressful situations can foster empathy and prepare both partners to handle conflicts more effectively.
Developing a Common Language
Creating a common language around these responses can be incredibly helpful. One helpful way to think about it is to “brand your fight.” For instance, couples can use specific phrases to signal when they are feeling triggered, such as "I’m starting to feel overwhelmed" or "I need a moment to calm down." This shared vocabulary can help partners communicate their emotional state without escalating the situation.
Practicing Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques
Mindfulness and grounding techniques can help individuals stay present and reduce the intensity of their reactions. Practices such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or visualization can calm the nervous system and prevent automatic responses from taking over. Check out my article on calming down after being triggered.
Couples can practice these techniques together, creating a shared ritual that enhances their connection and provides a toolkit for managing stress.
Establishing Safe Spaces and Times for Discussion
It’s crucial to establish safe spaces and times for discussing conflicts. This means choosing moments when both partners are calm and open to dialogue, rather than trying to resolve issues in the heat of the moment.
Setting aside regular times to check in with each other, such as weekly relationship meetings, can ensure that issues are addressed proactively rather than reactively. I have a more complete guide to feedback without fighting.
Seeking Professional Support
Sometimes, the patterns of triggering and reacting can be deeply entrenched and difficult to manage without outside help. Couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore these dynamics with the guidance of a trained professional. Therapists can offer tools and strategies tailored to the couple's specific needs, helping them break the cycle and build a healthier relationship.
The Power of Teamwork
At its core, a relationship is a partnership. It’s about working together to navigate the challenges that life throws your way, including the automatic neurological responses that can disrupt harmony. By understanding these responses and developing strategies to manage them as a team, couples can transform conflict into an opportunity for growth and connection.
Remember, it’s not about avoiding conflicts altogether. Disagreements and misunderstandings are inevitable. What matters is how you handle them together. By fostering self-awareness, developing a common language, practicing mindfulness, establishing safe spaces for discussion, and seeking professional support when needed, you can create a resilient, thriving relationship that stands strong against the triggers and stresses of life.
If you’re in the Minneapolis area and want to learn more about managing these dynamics in your relationship, I’m here to help. Whether you’re struggling with recurring conflicts or simply want to strengthen your partnership, I offer personalized couples counseling to support you in building a healthier, more connected relationship. Reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation.