Have you ever found yourself staying firmly in the realm of logic during a heated conversation with your spouse, thinking that if you just stick to the facts, everything will work itself out? It might seem like a reasonable approach—after all, who wouldn’t want to keep things rational and avoid the messy business of emotions?
But here’s the catch: by focusing solely on logic, you might be missing the actual point of the conversation. Difficult conversations are rarely about factual disputes; they’re difficult because they involve emotions that are hard to grapple with. And if you’re not addressing those emotions, you’re not really addressing the heart of the issue.
Let’s break down why it’s important to tune into your spouse’s emotions and how you can navigate these conversations in a way that strengthens your relationship, rather than sidestepping the real issues.
The Appeal of Logic: Why It’s Tempting to Stay in Your Head
Logic feels safe. It’s predictable, orderly, and manageable. When emotions are high, staying logical might seem like the best way to keep the conversation on track and avoid saying something you’ll regret. But when you focus exclusively on logic, you can inadvertently dismiss or minimize your partner’s emotional experience.
Imagine trying to resolve a disagreement about how late your spouse stayed out by discussing the number of hours they were gone, the exact time they walked through the door, or the agreed-upon curfew. While these facts might be relevant, they’re not what makes the conversation difficult. What makes it difficult is the underlying emotions—perhaps your spouse feels guilty or defensive, or maybe you feel hurt or abandoned. These are the emotions that need to be acknowledged and addressed if you’re going to resolve the conflict and move forward.
The Cost of Staying Logical: Missing the Emotional Information
When you stay focused on logic, you miss out on the emotional information your spouse is trying to share with you. This emotional information is crucial because it tells you what really matters to them, what they’re afraid of, or what’s causing them pain.
For example, if your spouse is upset because you missed a family event, the logical approach might be to explain why you couldn’t make it and provide a list of reasons. But what your spouse is likely feeling is disappointment, hurt, or perhaps a sense of being unimportant to you. If you don’t address those feelings, your logical explanation might come across as cold or dismissive, even if that’s not your intention.
So, how do you move beyond logic and into the emotional realm? Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you navigate these conversations more effectively.
Step 1: Start Where Your Partner Is—Recognize the Emotions
The first step is to recognize the emotions your spouse is experiencing. This means paying attention not just to what they’re saying, but how they’re saying it. Are they angry? Hurt? Anxious? Understanding their emotional state is the key to responding in a way that meets their needs.
Instead of jumping in with logical explanations, take a moment to really tune into what they’re feeling. You might say something like, “It seems like you’re really upset about this,” or “I can tell this is really bothering you.” This simple acknowledgment can go a long way in helping your partner feel seen and heard.
Step 2: Validate Their Emotions
Validation doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything your spouse is saying or feeling. It simply means acknowledging that their emotions are real and understandable. You might not agree with their interpretation of events, but can you understand why they’d feel the way they do?
For example, if your spouse is upset because you didn’t call when you were going to be late, you might not see it as a big deal, but can you see why they might feel worried or disrespected? If so, say that: “I can understand why you’d be worried when you didn’t hear from me. I’m sorry that I didn’t communicate better.”
Validation is about showing empathy. It’s about letting your partner know that their feelings matter to you, even if you see the situation differently.
Step 3: Tell Them You Care
This step is all about reassurance. In the midst of a difficult conversation, it’s easy for your partner to feel unloved, unimportant, or even rejected. So take the time to remind them that you care. If you love them, say it. If you’re sorry for saying something hurtful, acknowledge that.
This doesn’t mean you’re admitting fault for everything; it just means you’re prioritizing your relationship and the emotional safety of your partner. You might say, “I love you, and I hate that we’re upset with each other right now,” or “I’m really sorry that what I said hurt you—that wasn’t my intention.”
Step 4: Share Your Perspective (When They’re Ready)
Finally, if there’s something you need your spouse to understand about your perspective, ask if they’re open to hearing it. Timing is crucial here—if your partner is still feeling upset or overwhelmed, it might be better to wait until they’re calmer before diving into your side of the story.
You might say, “I want to explain what I was thinking, but only if you’re ready to talk about it,” or “Can we revisit this later when we’re both feeling a bit calmer?” This shows respect for their emotional state and a willingness to have a constructive conversation.
Embrace Emotions To Improve Your Relationship
Staying logical might seem like the best way to handle difficult conversations, but it often leads to missed opportunities for connection. Emotions are the true drivers of conflict, and addressing them is the key to resolving issues and deepening your bond.
By recognizing and validating your spouse’s emotions, expressing your care, and thoughtfully sharing your perspective, you can transform difficult conversations into opportunities for growth and understanding. The next time you find yourself tempted to stay in the safe zone of logic, remember that the real work—and the real reward—comes from engaging with the emotions that lie beneath the surface.
If you’re struggling with communication in your relationship and need guidance on how to navigate these emotional conversations, I’m here to help. Reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation. Together, we can work on building a relationship that’s grounded in trust, collaboration, and mutual support.