Recently, I was asked about Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters, who, as it turns out, is fathering a child with his affair partner. The question posed to me was simple but complex: “Is there a chance that Dave Grohl could actually repair his relationship with his wife after the affair?”
As someone who works with couples navigating the fallout of infidelity, my immediate response was a cautious, “Maybe.” Why? Because while recovery is possible, it requires a focused and intentional approach. Affairs are like emotional earthquakes in relationships—leaving devastation in their wake—and while some couples can rebuild, it’s never a simple path.
For Grohl—or any couple in this situation—there are three essential steps to maximize the chances of success after an affair. Let’s focus on two, specifically related to the trauma caused by infidelity.
Step 1: The Affair Involved Partner Must Demonstrate That It’s Over
After an affair, the betrayed partner’s nervous system is in high-alert mode—constantly searching for signs that the danger (the affair) is still present. This hypervigilance is exhausting and mirrors symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): intrusive thoughts, anxiety, emotional triggers, difficulty concentrating, and more.
To even begin healing, the partner who had the affair (let’s call them the affair-involved partner) must actively show that the affair is over. The metaphor I like to use is: the affair is like a bear in the woods. The affair-involved partner’s job is to convince their spouse that the bear is no longer lurking.
In Dave Grohl’s case, it would be crucial for him to communicate to his wife that the relationship with his affair partner is finished. This may involve something tangible, like drafting a joint letter to the affair partner, making it clear that the relationship is over, and setting boundaries for any necessary future communication (for instance, if they work together or if they’re co-parenting, given the child involved). The key here is to reassure his spouse that the affair is done and that he’s now fully committed to the relationship and the team they once were.
Step 2: Radical Transparency to Ease Hypervigilance
After an affair, trust is shattered. Grohl’s wife is likely experiencing hypervigilance—a heightened state of alert where she feels a constant need to check for signs of betrayal. Her nervous system is working overtime, equating emotional triggers with real danger. Radical transparency is one of the most effective tools to help with this.
So what does this look like? Radical transparency is the practice of providing unrestricted access to information that might ease the partner’s anxieties. For example, if Grohl’s wife asks for his phone, he hands it over without hesitation. If she checks and finds nothing concerning, that’s one round of nervous system retraining. She learns, over time, that checking his phone doesn’t reveal new secrets—this consistency helps rebuild her trust and reduces her need to be hypervigilant.
The purpose of radical transparency isn’t to invite endless policing, but rather to calm the hypervigilance by showing, time and time again, that the nervous system’s activation does not signal real danger. It’s not a solution to the trauma, but it offers relief in the short term, allowing space for deeper healing.
Here’s the complication in Grohl’s case: He stated,” I plan to be a loving supportive parent to her [the child].” Co-parenting the child will likely generate insecurity in his wife, as Grohl will not be able to avoid contact with his affair partner. The child will be a constant reminder of his betrayal, and he will have to work harder and longer to reassure her that he’s on back on his wife’s team.
What’s Next?
These are just the first two steps in a long process of rebuilding trust after infidelity. The final and perhaps most important step—maintaining empathy—deserves its own attention, as it’s crucial for the affair-involved partner to stay emotionally attuned to the betrayed partner’s experience.
In Grohl’s case, if he’s willing to step into these difficult but essential practices—ending the affair completely and embracing radical transparency—there is a path forward. But, like any couple recovering from infidelity, it will take time, consistency, and a deep commitment to healing the relationship. Repair is possible, but only if both partners are ready to do the hard work of rebuilding, brick by brick. If you’re looking for assistance in helping repair after an affair, I’m here to help. I offer personalized couples counseling to support you in building a relationship where both partners feel seen, valued, and understood. Reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation.
Stay tuned for my next post, where I’ll dive deeper into empathy and how it can become the cornerstone of affair recovery.