Attachment styles, originally described by psychologist John Bowlby and later refined by Sue Johnson in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), shape how we connect with others, especially our intimate partners. They reflect our deepest relational needs, insecurities, and fears. Understanding your own and your partner’s attachment styles can help you break negative patterns and foster a deeper, healthier bond.
Let’s explore how different attachment styles interact, why they cause repetitive conflicts, and how you can change your relationship for the better.
What Are Attachment Styles?
At their core, attachment styles describe patterns in how we seek emotional closeness and respond when we feel disconnected or threatened in relationships. There are generally three primary attachment styles:
Secure Attachment: You feel comfortable expressing your needs openly, trusting that your partner will respond reliably. During conflict, you remain calm, expressing emotions constructively and expecting connection to continue despite disagreements.
Anxious Attachment: You often fear rejection, abandonment, or neglect. When emotional distance occurs, anxiety rises, and you might become overly demanding, critical, or emotionally intense in an attempt to reconnect and ease anxiety.
Avoidant Attachment: You value independence and become easily overwhelmed by emotional demands or intense closeness. When you feel pressured, criticized, or anxious, you tend to withdraw emotionally or physically.
These attachment styles aren’t fixed labels but tendencies shaped by early life experiences and ongoing relational patterns. Understanding your style and your partner’s style can be transformative because it gives you insight into why conflicts play out the way they do.
How Opposite Attachment Styles Fuel Conflict
In my practice, I frequently encounter couples caught in the dynamic between what EFT terms a pursuer and a withdrawer. Pursuers (often anxiously attached) fear abandonment and crave emotional closeness, while withdrawers (often avoidantly attached) fear criticism or feeling smothered and retreat into themselves to maintain emotional distance and safety.
Here’s a common scenario:
One partner (the pursuer) feels emotionally neglected. To relieve anxiety, they reach out—maybe through critical comments, complaints, or demands.
The other partner (the withdrawer) interprets these efforts as criticism or pressure and responds by shutting down or pulling away even further.
The pursuer feels rejected by this withdrawal and doubles down, growing louder, angrier, or more critical.
The withdrawer, overwhelmed by this intensity, pulls back even more.
This dynamic creates a painful loop that leaves both partners feeling misunderstood and disconnected. It’s not because either person is deliberately trying to hurt the other; rather, each is reacting from their own deep-seated fears and attachment-related needs.
Attachment Styles in Action: How the Cycle Plays Out
Consider Emma and Michael. Emma has an anxious attachment style and longs for reassurance. When she senses emotional distance, she feels insecure and becomes anxious. Her instinct is to pursue—by repeatedly asking questions, seeking reassurance, or criticizing what she perceives as withdrawal or neglect.
Michael, her avoidantly-attached husband, values his autonomy and gets easily overwhelmed by emotional demands. When Emma voices her anxiety, Michael withdraws, pulling away to manage his own discomfort. His withdrawal feels like rejection to Emma, sparking further anxiety and frustration. Emma’s escalating distress makes Michael retreat further, and soon both feel trapped in a cycle of anger, loneliness, and resentment.
Why Understanding Your Attachment Style Matters
The beauty of understanding your attachment style—and your partner’s—is that it helps you see your conflict differently. It shifts your focus from blaming each other to recognizing the deeper fears driving your reactions. By becoming aware of your patterns, you can begin to break the negative cycle:
Anxiously attached partners can learn to express their needs without criticism, openly sharing vulnerable emotions like sadness, loneliness, or fear.
Avoidantly attached partners can practice staying present and emotionally engaged rather than automatically shutting down or withdrawing.
How to Break the Attachment Conflict Cycle
1. Recognize your attachment style.
Notice your emotional reactions: Do you tend to chase connection or run away from it? Understanding your style (and your partner’s) helps you interpret behaviors differently—not as deliberate threats, but as responses rooted in fear or insecurity.
Try this: Notice the moment you begin to feel anxious or overwhelmed. Pause, breathe, and ask yourself, "Am I acting out of attachment fears right now?"
If you're anxious, try expressing your vulnerable emotion instead of frustration or anger. For example, "I feel lonely and scared that we’re growing apart."
If you're avoidant, try gently acknowledging your partner’s feelings without withdrawing. You might say, "I hear you. I see that you're hurting, and I want to help, even though I feel uncomfortable right now."
How to Start Changing Your Attachment Patterns:
Identify Your Cycle Clearly:
Naming your negative cycle (“I chase, and you withdraw”) can help both partners see it clearly rather than falling into blame.Practice Vulnerable Communication:
Anger or frustration often masks deeper, vulnerable emotions like sadness, fear, loneliness, or shame. Communicating those deeper feelings can open doors to compassion rather than conflict.Create Safety for Change:
Safety comes first. Allow your partner space to share their true feelings without judgment or interruption, creating a sense of emotional safety that encourages honest communication.Get Professional Help:
Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Sue Johnson, specifically targets these attachment cycles and helps couples understand and respond to their emotional needs. Therapy can provide the skills and insights needed to repair and strengthen your bond.
Why Understanding Attachment Can Transform Your Relationship
If you recognize yourself or your partner in these dynamics, take heart—attachment patterns are common, and understanding them offers a powerful path to change. Instead of being trapped in blame and resentment, seeing how your attachment styles shape your interactions gives you a roadmap toward mutual empathy and connection.
The good news: your relationship doesn’t have to remain stuck in conflict and misunderstanding. By exploring attachment styles together, you can begin to heal old wounds, build trust, and forge a more secure, connected partnership.
If you want help addressing attachment patterns or need support in breaking your relationship’s negative cycle, I’m here for you. Reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation. Together, we can navigate these attachment challenges and create a relationship that’s emotionally safe, fulfilling, and deeply connected.