…What’s missing is the relationship, or the space in between two people.  “happy wife, happy life” feels sad to me because it takes a very fundamental human need for connection and throws it out the door in service of eliminating the risk of rejection from our partner. 

I help couples use two words to describe how their sexual desire goes up or down for them. This is often a game changer not only because of the words themselves, but also the understanding that there is an alternative to “I’m not desirable to my spouse” as an explanation for not having sex.

You spend a LOT of energy giving apologies. So why does it fall flat sometimes? Here are the top 5 reasons why apologies fall flat in relationships

Deeply listening isn’t just for the speaker to feel heard.  It’s not just for the listener to get information. It’s also for the relationship to shift in the way it feels.

After some time of learning how to listen deeply to each other, you’ll wonder if both of you can walk out into the meadow yourselves.  Then you’ll realize that the window [of possibility] isn’t a window- it’s a door. And you’ll be excited to walk out the door with your spouse or partner and then it’ll rain. . .

It’s not actually any one particular topic - it’s the process of relating.  The thing that sends most spouses or partners to marriage counseling isn’t the topic - it’s the WAY things are discussed.

I intervene to slow down the conversation and talk about vulnerable emotions. Slowing down the conversation means we get to talk about really important and VULNERABLE stuff like you see in the example below.

Disconnection, whether that’s a full-on Hollywood movie type of brawl or two partners who are treating each other like roommates, can be painful in a way that isn’t like other hurts.  It can feel like an emotional amputation.

Don’t be a jerk. However, some people are in a relationship where they’re so afraid of hurting their partner that they end up “stuffing their feelings.” Eventually, that dynamic of “stuffing feelings” can do two very damaging things: 1. Accumulate resentment ventually accumulate and “leak out” in the way you treat your partner. 2. Prevent your partner from having a chance to be in relationship with the “real you!”

Strangely enough, when two people fight and become “more logical” or “more emotional,” during the fight, it can be because they are responding to runaway underlying emotions.  People commonly refer to this state as being “triggered.”