For example, one of the top things that people in relationships want is accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. I talk more about this in my piece on What Everyone Wants From Their Partner. Doing all of these three things in your relationship is an inherently mindful way of being in relationship. Here are 5 other ways of thinking about the benefits of being mindful in your relationship.
Stop Keeping Score In Your Marriage!
Self-Esteem and Relationships
The One Concept Couples Miss
Here’s the TLDR: Stop thinking about what you or your partner can do individually in your relationship and start thinking about what both of you can do together.
When you were dating your spouse or partner, did you think in terms of “matching?” Did you compare your vinyl record collection? Did you talk about your love of Oscar Wilde or William Butler Yeats? When you’re dating, you can be obsessed with “the right match.” It is so common to have the mentality that “I just need to find someone with enough commonality that it works.” But it’s dangerous to keep using this concept as the thing that binds you.
If you forget the “us,” you can only think in me or them. You miss the team. You can think,”I wish she would talk to me when she’s angry,” or ,“If only I could do something different instead of freeze when she complains.”
Both of these approaches recognize the role of the individuals, but don’t recognize the impact of the relationship in changing the way you two relate. It fails to recognize that even if you’re trying to do something different for the relationship, you can enlist the help of your partner to do it.
Stronger United
To understand the power of “Us,” let’s understand when you’re thinking me/them vs. me/them/us
What do you say to yourself when you’re in a you, me mentality?
When you only think about you/me
She needs to stop badgering me so much.
If only I could just not get so angry when she says,”You’re out of line!”
Why can’t I say anything when we’re fighting?
What do you say to yourself when you’re thinking you, me, us?
You/Me/Us: Enlisting the help of your relationship allows you to do much more.
I really want to hear you, but I’m getting overwelmed. I want to slow this conversation down because I want to hear you.
I’m triggered right now because of what you just said. I need some time to calm down.
I’m “stuck” in my head. I need to go for a run, then maybe we can check in?
This Is Enlistment
In each of these examples, you’re shifting from what individuals could do into asking the other person for help. Both of you have a chance to “team up” in overcoming a dynamic that both of you are experiencing. It means digging in deep to tell the other person a more vulnerable thing - that you’re overwelmed, that you want to hear them, or that you’re stuck.
The benefit to this enlistment isn’t just extricating yourself out of one dynamic - it’s an increase in trust, because that person was able to respond to you. They are showing that they’re responsive and engaged, two of the three things people in relationship want most from their partner.
Asking for Help
If you’re needing help in being more of a team and operating from a “we” rather from a you or me, I’m here to help. You can look at my Couples and Marriage Counseling page. If you’re in Minnesota and want help working through your arguments, you can contact me at 612.230.7171 or email me through my contact page, or click the button below to self-schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.
A.R.E. You Accessible, Responsive and Engaged?
Are You Too Young Or Too Old For Couples Therapy?
Your commitment might be “too young” for you to put in the energy to repair the relationship. You might be “too set” in your ways (too old). . . But if the relationship is important enough to you, and you’re willing to see that some things must change when you have two people in a household, couples therapy might be just what you need.
Are Complaints Killing Your Relationship?
If you’re unhappy with how things are going in your relationship, aren’t you supposed to complain? Isn’t that sharing your feelings. Yes and no. Sharing your primary feelings like loneliness, fear, hurt, joy, and sadness can be productive. Sharing secondary emotions (even through non-verbals) like frustration, irritation, annoyance, anger, and rage can be really confusing and unproductive. Complaints can be the start of a fight, and that’s not productive.
Reversing Emotional Distance
Even soul mates can have rough patches. You’re a couple, of course. But you are simultaneously two individuals. This means two different sets of needs, wants, values, dreams, goals, thoughts, ideas, emotions, and backstories. It is inevitable that some incompatibilities will arise.
The problem is not always the incompatibility. Issues can emerge based on how you each handle your differences and disagreements. Differences in communication can create emotional distance in your relationship. Fights happen but the root causes are ignored.
Left unchecked, emotional distance has the potential to drive a wedge between partners. Therefore, you must recognize the signs and find new approaches.
Some General Signs of Emotional Distance
Apathy towards intimacy and physical affection
Withdrawing from interactions
Not responding to your partner’s emotions
Not showing any engagement when a conflict arises
Showing anger for no apparent reason, picking fights
Being distracted
Not sharing about yourself or your feelings
Showing no interest in making plans or working on the relationship
Ask Yourself These 3 Questions:
I encourage people to think about how they themselves are acting. EFT, a method of couples therapy I use, has a 3-letter acronym: A.R.E. You can use this as a shortcut by asking am I:
Accessible -Am I actually available? Or are meetings always taking precedence over my partner’s needs? Can my spouse reach me even when I’m distressed?
Responsive - This is a bit harder. When they do access me, can I give back? Can I show that I hear and see them?
Engaged - Can I demonstrate in my conversations that they are important to me? Engagement means “am I actually giving appropriate attention to them?”
So, you can learn to recognize distance when you see it. Now what? How do you close the gap?
What to Do When You Sense Emotional Distance in Your Relationship
Identify and Address Unmet Needs
Each of us has needs—as an individual and as part of a couple. This gets tricky when we don’t feel comfortable talking about it. This creates distance when we’re not even in touch with our unmet needs. Another obstacle is that we may be assuming that our partner’s emotional needs (and love language) are the same as ours.
Your differences are valuable and enrich your bond. But they must be identified and honored in order to avoid emotional distance. Couples need to communicate openly, frequently, and directly. Difficult conversations can lead to crucial breakthroughs.
If one or both of you is struggling with these discussions, couples counseling can be a valuable tool (see below).
Pull in the “we” Instead of Just “You” or “Me”
A big misunderstanding that a lot of couples have when they first come into therapy is the importance of the week. Couples are often thinking about what can I do to make things better or what is the other person doing that makes things worse. While that can be important, the most important thing is how you enlist the help of your partner or spouse to solve a problem between you two. The act of enlistment not only solves the problem you're asking them to help you with, it flexes muscles in your relationship that helps you do the relationship better next time. It is a meta-conversation. It leads to lasting change between you two.
Cultivate Independent Lives
Pop culture may give us the impression that happy couples are always together. On the contrary, your solo time is a major part of a healthy connection. Wanting to be on your own does not automatically mean you don’t enjoy spending time with your partner. It’s just that being together all the time can lead to conflict. Everyone needs solo time. How much solo time each of needs is different. Again, communication is the avenue by which you can bridge such gaps.
Yes, an introvert and an extrovert can make beautiful music together. But… this requires you to check-in regularly to make sure both of you are getting what you need. If you sense some distance developing, talk about scheduling in some alone time.
Stress Management and Self-Care
The outside world has a way of impacting your relationship. The events of the past two years, in particular, are enough to strain even the strongest bond. Stress is sneaky. It creeps up on you and makes you feel like crap. But you don’t instantly identify it as the cause. In fact, you may instead blame your partner or relationship.
All of this adds up to an essential need to practice self-care. The more resilient you are against stress, the less it can affect you and your significant other. Make healthy eating choices. Get some exercise every day. Maintain steady sleep patterns. Learn some relaxation techniques. Taking these steps, as a couple, is further protection against emotional distance.
Therapy Can Help
I mentioned it above. Couple counseling is a proven path toward addressing and/or avoiding emotional distance. I’ve worked with countless couples who have struggled with emotional distance. I can help you, too. Let’s talk soon and get the process started.
To learn more about how I think about couples in general, check out my marriage and couples counseling page. If you’re in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.
Cooling Off Takes Work
When I work with couples, cooling off is part of a recommended strategy to have a nuanced conversation. I propose to people that they should use a method to give feedback, but cool off if they are getting heated. The method of feedback goes something like this: Let your partner know that you’re overwhelmed and that it’s hard to hear them. It can go something like this:
“I want to hear you out right now, but I’m so [overwhelmed/heated/irritated] that I am finding it difficult to hear you, and I want to hear you. Can we check in again in 2 hours?”
This allows you to cool off so you can actually have a more nuanced conversation. If you’re feeling flooded/overwhelmed/agitated, you’re likely entering into a fight/flight/freeze mode. If that happens, you’re likely not going to have a conversation. You’re likely going to fight. But the other half that I tell clients they have to do is actually check in at the appointed time. Otherwise, you’re only training your spouse or partner that they can’t trust you. I have an article on how slowing down actually improves productivity of conversations.
Now Cool Off
Cooling off should be simple, right? You just have to get away from that person that was irritating you so much. They didn’t leave you alone. They called you names. They were unfair. They just kept nagging. . . Except thinking about all of these things while you’re trying to “cool off” isn’t cooling off. Have you ever had the experience of being so caught up in a loop in your head that you end up angrier than when you first started thinking about something?
First Take a Deep (square) Breath
This might sound trite, but it actually works. I helped my wife in labor with a combination of square breathing and guided imagery. Square breathing is like normal breathing, except you breathe in as deeply as you can, then hold that breath for 4 seconds. Then exhale and hold that exhale for 4 seconds. Then repeat. I’ve gone more in depth on it in my article on Square Breathing and Calming Down.
Deep breathing stimulates your parasympathetic nervous system. It’s a fancy name for the part of the nervous system that calms you. As you do this breathing, notice how you’re breathing. That might sound crazy - “I’m just breathing, right?” Well, notice how the air is going in and out. Notice how your nostrils flair at different parts of your breath. Congratulations. You’re now meditating.
Now Break Your Thought Loop
Your thought loop may not be serving you. If you were in a fight, then you’re probably thinking of how the other person is doing things wrong. If what you want to do is cool down, this may not be the right approach. I want to be clear here - I’m not saying you weren’t treated poorly. I’m not saying the other person is right. I’m just saying: If you want to calm down, this isn’t the place to go.
If you’ve done the square breathing, keep doing it. Gently remind yourself to come back to it when it comes back into your attention. Now think of a place you’ve always found safe, restorative, and relaxing. Is it a beach in Hawaii? Is it a particular place in time, like a Christmas celebration when you were 8? Settled on a place or time?
Good. Now imagine that you’re walking into that space. It’s your safe space, your place that gives you comfort and security. Notice the temperature of the air. notice the smell. Are there any noises in the surroundings? Are there people? Do you hear birds? Now walk to a part of your safe space that feels especially nice/safe/comforting. Where is it? Linger for a while. What are you doing that feels restorative? are you lying down? Are you reading? Are you sipping a drink?
Now slowly bring your attention back to the present. Are you taking a walk? Are you in a room? If you’ve closed your eyes, slowly open them. Notice your heartbeat.
If you feel calmer, then that’s good. That’s the work it takes to get you in a calmer state. Once you’re calmer, you can have a difficult conversation without attacking your partner. Here is an article I wrote about the next step - actually giving feedback without fighting. It actually takes a page from Terry Real, who has written some great books on couples.
Now You’re Calm: Time To Get To Work
But the biggest mistake is to think that just leaving the situation is going to give you a different outcome. You actually have to work at it. Does that surprise you? Has anything really of value landed on your lap without work? Only if you’ve won some kind of lottery, whether it’s genetic, or intergenerational wealth passed down, or pure chance. Don’t leave your relationship to pure chance.
If you want to know more about how I think of couples and relationships, come visit my couples and marriage counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.
Validation: A Key To Relationship Success
Stop Relationship Whack-a-Mole
Why Apologies Are Important
How Your Criticism Hurts Your Marriage
Criticism in your relationship may seem normal to you. I’ve been asked,”Then how am I supposed to criticize my spouse, then?” As if people in relationships are entitled to criticizing their spouse. Here’s a newsflash - criticism is one of the “4 Horsemen” of relationship destruction in early marriage research by John Gottman.
Don't Let Stress Drive You Apart
Stress is a normal part of any relationship. If you weren’t aware of it before, the years 2020 and 2021 have been screaming it at full volume for many people. All the typical couple stressors exist, e.g. raising kids, work issues, finances, etc. These are enough to drive any couple apart.
On top of that are the unique factors introduced in the age of Covid-19. Living in perpetual fear is a major challenge. But, regardless of such specifics, a basic reality holds true. When couples can go through tough times, they can become more distant or become stronger together.
4 Ways to Become Stronger Together Despite Daily Stressors
1. Steady and Healthy Communication
In times like these, confusion may rule the day. You both realize you feel agitated but you can always pinpoint the underlying causes. Steady, healthy communication is the proven path toward:
Identifying the source of stress
Talking about our needs as a couple and as individuals
This can be tricky when the causes are rooted in the relationship. But there is no replacement for honest interactions. Stress instantly becomes more manageable when lines of communication are open in both directions. Speaking of which, responding is a big part of healthy communication. You both need to know you are being heard and validated and taken seriously.
2. Coping as a Couple
Steady and healthy communication creates a foundation of teamwork. When the walls feel like they are closing in, you lean on each other for support and solutions. Collaboration is a powerful tool, and something that couples that start therapy typically have to learn. Let each other know you share their feelings of tension and frustration.
From there, make it clear that you will do whatever you can to tackle it together.
3. Avoid the Blame Game
Whether it’s social distancing or your child’s academic performance, it can be tough to stay cool when you are on edge. There is a tendency to lash out. This tendency must be squashed. Couples that avoid reflexive blame have been shown to report greater closeness and satisfaction.
Take the time to assess the situation. Always give your partner the benefit of the doubt. If the source of stress is eternal, this is an ideal time to go into teamwork mode. If you discern you are feeling tense due to relationship issues, this is precisely where your communication skills will come in handy. In either scenario, the blame game will only serve to escalate the agitation.
4. Stay Connected Through the Stressful Times
When stress appears to be the default setting, it can be tempting to withdraw. For couples, this choice is very, very counterproductive.
What you need more than anything is to stay connected. Remind each other that they have a supportive partner. This can change your perception of the situation while making your relationship stronger. A few basics to keep in mind:
Check-in with each other: Find out if it’s a good time to bring up certain topics.
Offer your help: Ask what they need and do your best to provide it.
Physical touch and affection: Hand-holding, gentle touch, and especially hugs are essential. Studies show that a hug held for 30 seconds can align two people and calm them down.
Ask For Professional Help
Extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures. No one should be expected to handle all of this stress on their own. Couples counseling is an ideal setting for developing the coping mechanisms you need.
In the presence of a skilled, unbiased guide, you and your partner can explore and discover in a safe space. Everyone needs help from time to time. I invite you to reach out to set up a free consultation today.
If you want to know more about how I think of couples and relationships, come visit my couples and marriage counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.
Point Your Finger. . . Back At Yourself
When I’m having repetitive thoughts of how wronged I was, I know that I’m already starting to fight. If I start saying “If only she’d just listen, then she’ll admit she was at fault and apologize to me,” that’s when I know that if I take action on my grandiose and strident criticism of her, that I’ll likely have to apologize.
4 Toxic Relational Habits That Are Seen As "Normal"
It’s reached the point where habits viewed as normal can be actually quite toxic. The problem lies in the fact that everyone seems to embrace such habits. How bad could they be if the whole world uses them, right? If only things were that simple.
Let’s explore some examples of where “normal” must be seriously challenged.
Is Poor Self-Esteem Affecting Your Relationship?
For example, poor self-esteem can have a profound effect on your relationship. When you feel insecure, it changes how you interact with your partner. It may also change how you see your partner. Self-esteem issues can cause black-and-white thinking—about yourself and about your significant other. It’s important to recognize when this is happening.
Feedback Without Fighting: 6 Steps
Why is it so hard? Because it often comes at a time of vulnerability - a time of need. A lot of time, “giving feedback” is really a form or criticism instead of asking for what you need. When you ask for what you need, you are already saying, “please help me,” and the other person can reply, ”no.” That would hurt, wouldn’t it?
Remake Your Empty Nest. . . Together
What's The Story In Your Head?
Every couple experiences times where either or both people “make up a story in their heads.” One of the most beneficial things is to let your spouse or partner know the thoughts you struggle with AND let them know you’re also probably “full of crap.” This means that you let them in on your struggle, but also let them know that you KNOW you made this up.