If you’re looking for one thing you can do individually to help your relationship, here’s one thing that sounds paradoxical: accept positive gestures. As a person who walks through the world wondering how I can do better in almost everything I do, I’m a professional dismisser of positive regard. A colleague told me, “I like the video you did on your website!” and the first thing on my mind was,”She probably doesn’t really mean it.”
How Not Accepting It Hurts
But though this dynamic can come across as being humble, it can actually be damaging to a relationship. John Gottman famously found that it took at least 5 repair attempts to compensate for 1 relationship injury. Imagine then, if you and your partner have chronic conflicts. If your partner says something that feels hurtful and has no way of making it up with 5 positive gestures, they’re only going to be digging a deeper hole with you.
Once this happens, Gottman talks about the negative “hole” couples can get into that makes even neutral events seem distressing. Called “negative sentiment override,” he describes it as the opposite of having rose colored glasses. I talk about it with clients as having “poop-colored” glasses. Your partner can be giving you compliment and it will feel like some kind of punishment.
If it doesn’t feel good to accept the gesture, how are you supposed to accept it with a smile anyway?
The first step to being able to accept positive gestures from your partner is asking “What is in the way?” or “Why can’t I accept this positive thing from my partner?”
Often times, this question can lead you to a pain point that you’re experiencing. Ironically, an unresolved pain point may be interfering with your ability to accept a repair gesture from your partner. So ask yourself what unresolved hurt may be in the way. Then acknowledge what you see as positive, but ask if you can go back to something that’s been keeping you stuck and unable to give accept the gesture with open arms.
If both of you can discuss this and repair the raw spot that’s been keeping you from accepting the positive gesture from your partner, then you’re on your way to healing your relationship. Often times, however, you are going to get,”I just did this nice thing for you, and all you can do is complain!”
The complaint is there to highlight the place where work needs to be done, but it can feel very personal to your partner. So explain that it’s not that you don’t want to accept the repair bid, but that this other incident is blocking your ability to be present and open. Phrase it as an inability for you to receive a positive bid.
If you’re having trouble accepting positive regard from your partner, you may benefit from couples counseling with an EFT therapist. Feel free to check out my page on marriage counseling. I work with couples to slow down the conversation and make space for vulnerable conversations. If you’re in the Minneapolis, MN area, I can help. You can call me at 612.230.7171 . Or email me via my web form. Or you can schedule a 15 minute consultation my clicking on the button below.