When you’ve been fighting with your spouse for so long and they make a big positive gesture, it can feel like you’ve been traveling in the desert for years and finally your spouse offers you water. The reaction can be mixed: you love the fact that they’re finally feeling like they want to make a repair or they acknowledge your hurt. It can feel great that you feel seen and heard again. But why the heck did you wait so long? Did they not see how much pain you were in? Did they not see your suffering, or did they not care? You’re angry, right?
When you get angry because their positive gesture brings up the excruciating pain you’ve been living with for years, they respond badly, right? Either they retreat into their shell or they get big and loud. Then it’s off to the races. Both of you aren’t listening to each other because of deafening silence or deafening noise.
You’re not alone. I want you to know that this is so very common in couples. It’s a major pattern that happens because both of you are so hurt, and being hurt keeps you from listening to your partner’s hurts.
So what is there to do? Is this just a perpetual trap? It doesn’t have to be. Let’s talk about anger first.
The Role of Anger.
Anger has a real purpose. It’s useful to keep us safe from other people. It warns them that we’re dangerous. So when you get triggered and angry and show it by getting loud or silent, two things happen:
Anger Demands attention. “Look at me!” it says, and keeps you from paying attention to your partner’s message.
Anger “stiff-arms” your spouse and keeps them away. This keeps you safe in the moment, but injures them and your relationship.
So what can you do when your partner is offering you this gold gesture and you can’t accept it?
What To Do In The Moment.
In the moment, if you can’t accept your partner’s positive gesture, whether that’s an attempt to repair or an acknowledgement that they hurt you, or an acknowledgement feels so wonderful, the best thing to do (if this is how you feel) is to say,”I really want to accept your apology [or other gesture] right now, but it’s really hard for me to do right now. I’m stuck at still feeling hurt. Can we talk about this at some point when we both feel calm enough to talk?”
What To Do When You Finally Talk.
This statement helps them know you are listening, and that you want to hear them, but there’s something in the way. This helps your partner know that their repair attempt wasn’t wasted.
When there’s something in the way, I help clients talk through their pain slowly. Often times, anger really grabs hold of us the strongest when we’re going “fast” through our argument. The back-and-forth of arguing can start ramping up your heartbeat and make it easy to be reactive - to feel that sharp pain of anger and express it immediately.
Stay with the hurt.
You may have experienced performance reviews at work when your manager is really trying to tell you mostly good news and one piece of improvement. And when they tell you that one point where you can improve, it can still overwhelm all these other positive messages. So start with appreciation. Tell your spouse or partner that you’re glad they’re finally seeing your point of view or that they’re finally apologizing to you, or whatever that big gesture is. Tell them how big of a gesture that really is for you. Then be prepared to tell them again.
Then be honest and walk them through the reasons why you are having a hard time. Tell them about the pain, not the anger. If anger starts coming up again, tell them you need a pause in the conversation, and ask for a time to resume. But walk through it slowly. Use statements like,”I’m still hurt because I feel like you didn’t care about me when . . .” Or “I’m sad that this hasn’t been The slower you go, the more their grand gesture will help both of you.
If you want to know more about marriage counseling, feel free to look at my web page. If you need help, I recommend contacting someone with skills in Emotionally Focused Therapy. EFT trained therapists look for emotional patterns that may be hijacking your relationship. If you’re in the western Minneapolis area and you need help repairing with your spouse or partner, feel free to call me at 612.230.7171, send me an email through my web contact form, or click on the button below to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation.
I look forward to finding out how I can help.