When I talk to couples about fighting, I don’t just mean the knock-down drag out fights you see in Hollywood movies, but also about “turning away.” This can look like a physical absence, or it can look like a “silent treatment” where you’re both there, but one or both of you aren’t talking. Ironically, both yelling and silence can accomplish the same task - creating distance to maintain safety.
Safety First
It’s entirely understandable that you defend yourself when you feel hurt. When you feel hurt by your spouse or partner, you can become very defensive because your partner has the most access to your buttons. So ironically, the person you love the most may become the biggest target of your quiet fighting, and vice versa.
So silence makes you safer, right? Sort of. If you know the conflict has been painful, it can be a helpful strategy to calm down a situation that you know can get out of hand. The trouble is, while that silence keeps you from an acute pain of fighting, it can feel hurtful to your spouse and your relationship. To you, it can feel like peace and quiet. To them, it can feel like a real punishment.
But is the silent treatment really punishment?
Yes. Humans are meant to be connected. In the book “A General Theory of Love,” the authors talk about the post-world war 2 orphanages that were just integrating germ theory to improve the health of the babies in their care. They fed, clothed, and changed them, but took the extra step of “not touching them unless necessary.” Infant mortality rates skyrocketed and in some cases reached 100%. Let me emphasize that again. These babies were physically cared for, but because they didn’t have the connection that told them they were cared for, they died. This is how much of a requirement that human connection is for us as a species.
So yes, cutting off your loved one can feel punishing to them. Watch this clip of Ed Tronick, who’s devoted a lifetime to research on bonding in humans.
So the very mechanism used to increase safety during a fight ends up creating more problems than it solves? For many couples, yes. What can either of you do to stop it?
Here are some ways you can stop the bad outcome that comes from an avoidance response.
Identify when things are getting bad as early as possible. When you’re triggered, you’re in fight, flight, or freeze mode and aren’t thinking “logically”.
Agree on a method where both of you can take a break in your argument so both of you can calm down. I recommend agreeing to a time where both of you can come back and check in.
Come back to check-in. This means talking about whether you both can resume your discussion. This does NOT mean forcing your spouse to talk.
If you want to know more about marriage counseling, feel free to look at my web page. If you need help addressing the way you get silent in fights, I recommend contacting someone with skills in Emotionally Focused Therapy. EFT trained therapists look for emotional patterns that may be hijacking your relationship. If you’re in the western Minneapolis area and you need help repairing with your spouse or partner, feel free to call me at 612.230.7171, send me an email through my web contact form.
Take good care.