This is a common mindset for some couples coming into therapy. Couples come thinking about themselves a lot. Did I make the right choice? Did I try hard enough? What does it say about me? I’ve already done everything I can! What doesn’t get a lot of focus is the relationship - often times these questions really focus on what each person can do by themselves — even “doing the relationship in their heads” instead of with their spouse or partner.
We learn individual initiative, individual contributions to relationships early because it’s what we can control, and it’s what we have greatest access to- ourselves. But if we didn’t grow up in a family that modeled adults talking, disagreeing, and resolving, we may not understand the how people talk to each other to connect in relationships or resolve disagreements.
There are a LOT of reasons why relationships may not be easy. Here’s a small list of reasons why they may not be easy:
Each of your triggers may be setting off your spouse’s triggers.
Each of you may be doing your relationship “in your head.” You may be aruging with them in your head, you may be saying “it won’t work!” without trying to advance your argument.
One or both of you may just be having a hard time. These are trying times. One or both of you may be under-resourced.
One or both of you may have experienced trauma. I tell people that trauma is something that happened in your past that dictates, not influences your present. If you’ve ever felt your head boiling over even while knowing you shouldn’t respond, you may have experience trauma.
The way they deal with uncomfortable conversations may be the opposite of how you deal with uncomfortable conversations. This takes negotiation on how you can ensure enough space to have a conversation while agreeing to actually resolve the conflict.
You may simply not understand what’s going on for your spouse or partner. I’ve written articles that may help you get better understanding about what they may be going through. This article will help you if you have a spouse that tends to get quiet or avoids the situation. This article will help you if your spouse badgers or pursues resolution despite you feeling overwhelmed or burned out.
External circumstances may be harder than what your relationship is designed to support. You may have figured out “how to do life” that worked OK for you. But now this Covid thing is stressing you beyond the capacity of that original design.
These are all things that you can sift out when working on your relationship calmly and rationally with your spouse or partner. What? That doesn’t happen? If things go out of control and you find yourselves either yelling at each other or getting quiet and drifting apart, that means that both of you are getting triggered and need some intervention to change the autopilot both of you are on.
If you want to find more of my thoughts on marriage and relationships, go to my page on marriage counseling. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the button below to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.