I understand the skepticism. We’re used to thinking of counseling as an in-person service. I tell people that the biggest transformative tool that helps people is “the feeling of being felt.” The “feeling of being felt” is the sense that the other person hears you, understands you, and accepts you. It’s what allows individual therapy to work, and it’s what allows couples counseling to work too.
I don’t like being ineffective. So I’m careful to gauge whether I’m effective in each session. I watch for transformative emotional experiences happening for each couple. If those are happening, I feel comfortable that I’m being effective.
Here is what I do that helps increase the efficacy of my video counseling sessions. You’ll notice they have some similarities with the interventions I use in person:
The most important people in the room are in the same room together. You’re not looking for acceptance empathy from me. You’re looking for it from your spouse or partner. They’re there with you. They can reach out to you physically.
I have couples regularly turn to each other and tell each other what they’ve told me. It may seem like an awkward thing, but it really is important and transformative. Hearing the words from your partner is one thing. But seeing their face and seeing that they genuinely mean what they’re saying when they’re apologizing or when they feel your pain is proof to your nervous system.
When I ask someone how they feel, I don’t stop there. People understandably feel self conscious when they’re emoting. They may not be familiar with therapy. They may not feel comfortable with a stranger asking their feelings. So I gently get more curious and ask more questions.
When people talk about frustration or irritation, I get curious about what’s underneath. I explain to people that anger is a really a spectrum of feelings from irritation on the minor end to rage on the extreme end. This spectrum of emotions helps us deal with more vulnerable emotions, especially when we don’t feel it’s safe to talk about that more vulnerable emotion.
I watch closely to intervene in arguments. In a word, I’m interventional. I don’t like letting arguments go on very long. I will allow it to go on longer in the beginning, but I generally stop things and slow down the conversation as soon as I can and ask each individual if they’re fighting and process their feelings so they can start ramping down. This reduces the chance that delving into your stuff will flare up more conflict.
I pay attention to important video attributes. We’ve had to become amateur videographers in order to create a therapeutic encounter. Being backlit, or having the camera angle be too extreme, or having the environment be too public may hinder your experience. I help you tweak that.
These are all things I pay attention to that help my couples have transformative emotional experiences in video sessions. If you are in Minnesota and are looking for couples counseling, I can help. If you want to find out more about how I think about marriages and couples, check out my marriage counseling blog. I offer a free 15-minute phone and a free 30-minute video consultation so you can be comfortable with me as your therapist. You can send me an email via my contact page, call my phone number 612.230.7171, or click on the button below to self-schedule a 15 minute phone consultation.
Take good care.