Culture is a shared way of life. There can be a culture that a whole country shares. There can be a shared culture for groups within a country. There can be a culture within a family. Since every couple that I’ve worked with is composed of two people who were raised in different households, each person has a culture that’s different than their spouse or partner. Every couple at some point grapples with conflicts in culture.
That being said, Cultural conflicts can be the main source of conflict. This article is about ways couples can overcome those challenges. When culture becomes the primary conflict, it can feel to one or both people that their spouse or partner is taking the side of an oppressing culture. This reality reinforces the need for solidarity and to embrace doing the work. It’s critical to go into this scenario with being united as a priority.
5 Ways Multicultural Couples Can Find Relationship Success
1. Commit to Healthy, Steady Communication
This is your foundation. It can be a surprise how Once you have accepted the inevitability of some friction, you can pledge together to not fall into negative communication patterns. Some crucial suggestions:
Resist the temptation to sulk: Passive-aggressive choices, silent treatment, etc. will do nothing to improve the situation.
Talk openly about each other’s culture: Give each other homework in terms of traditions, language, eating habits, and more. Also, get familiar with why each culture chooses to do what they do!
Discuss your needs: Give voice to what is important to you and help your partner understand how to support you.
Don’t leave communication to chance: Schedule time to talk at least once a week. Don’t have anything to talk about? Talk about what a good job the other person is doing.
2. Set Goals as a Couple
Individual, independent goals are essential to any happy relationship. However, to navigate the distinct road of a multicultural connection, your common goals will serve you well. This is a chance for you to not focus on your differences. Instead, you work as a unit to find plans, activities, and dreams that express your couple-dom. Such an effort strengthens you for those times when the world reminds you of your differences.
3. Do Your Best with Your Partner’s Family
Yes, I know. This can feel like walking through a minefield. But even if they have not yet fully warmed up to you, this can be a valuable experience. You get to witness their traditions and values in action — on their home turf. Soak it up. If you’re not sure whether a particular question is appropriate, save it to ask your partner later.
There’s no guarantee that your spouse’s extended family will click with you. But choosing to interact with them and be around them is a gift to your partner and your relationship.
4. Get Excited About Change
Let’s start with a clear-cut reality. In order for any couple to be happy, both partners must accept and embrace the process of change. Nothing is static and, of course, that goes double for a relationship. Then, when you factor in the numerous unique elements of a multicultural couple, well… it’s time to get very comfortable with change. Such changes may include, but are not limited to:
Making sacrifices
Trying new ideas
Don’t judge until you have enough evidence to make an informed observation
Expanding your comfort zone
5. Plan Ahead
Being fully aware of how your differences can sometimes complicate decisions, be that couple who plans in advance. Try your best to circumvent making mistakes by rushing into something. A prime example is having kids. Take your time if you know that you will be challenged about issues like religion, diet, language, traditions, and more. Utilize those communication skills you honed in #1 above.
6. Understand the macro-environment:
Remember that culture figures into politics every day in America. When politics get involved, people get used like pawns. So this feeling of being shoved around and used for others benefit can work its way into your relationship. Make sure you understand if what’s happening in the world is getting you to feel manipulated so you can talk openly about it.
7. Prioritize forming a new family culture
No matter what cultures you both come from, the culture your family is forming will be a new one. Remember this as you lean on some of the traditions from your FOO (Family Of Origin). Those traditions may need to get change since the family you’re constructing with your spouse is necessarily different.
It Really Helps to Have Professional Support
The goal isn’t about controlling everything. It’s about strengthening your bond as move forward as a team. I can help you on this journey and would love to do so. Let’s talk soon!
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn how to get unstuck, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.