First I have to ask you: why do you need to criticize your spouse in the first place? Do their actions or words hurt you? Do you feel more alone because they’re shut down? I’m not asking you to tolerate their behavior. ON the contrary - I’m asking you to tell them what you need in a way that they can hear. So you can be seen and heard. Instead, I'm guessing that you’re getting into a fight, or they’re shutting down or going away. Wouldn’t you rather they understand what your needs are and respond with compassion and interest?
What Big Deal Often Means.
“I don’t want it to be a big deal” often means you don’t want more trouble for you . When you start like that, it won’t end well. Your spouse’s radar will detect that you’re focusing on yourself and react accordingly. Do they complain that you “make it about you?” Does that then turn into a familiar fighting pattern?
What Can Be Helpful
If you’re finding yourself getting into familiar fighting patterns when you’re just trying to give feedback, or you’re trying to stick up for yourself, know that there’s a helpful order of operations. It goes something like this:
Slow things down - Is there some reason why you’re rushing to get your argument out? Are you late for work? Are you trying to get your kids to hockey and triggering fights when all you want is some help finishing up dinner? Slow it down. I have a blog post on how you can slow down the conversation to reduce the chance of fighting.
Understand your fighting cycle. I have a blog post on understanding how your emotions are hijacking your relationship.
Take timeouts. When I help clients with skills needed to resolve their worst fights, I tell them to start work before the fight, when they’re calm. Each couple is going to brand their fight. “I feel like we’re on our race track again”. So that both people essentially are training themselves to pay attention to a “safe phrase.” Some people call this “branding your fight.”
So How Can I Say What I Need Without Criticizing?
I have an article about giving feedback without fighting. There’s a procedure to this - But the most important piece is that you’re not going to give focus to what they did. You’re going to give focus on the story in your head. Here’s an example:
”When you told me you didn’t want to eat after I made a home cooked meal, the story in my head is that you don’t care about my efforts in the family. And that made me feel really unimportant.”
Giving focus to what’s going on in your head allows you to own the way you’re reacting. You may tell them that their action started the domino chain, but you’re telling them you own the dominos.
I have an article on “the story in your head,” and how important it is in owning your part of the fighting.
If you want help managing conflict in your relationship, a professional counselor can help. I’ve been helping couples for over 10 years communicate their needs without generating a fight. If you want help understanding more about marriage counseling, stop by , my marriage counseling page. If you’re in Minnesota, I can personally help you. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.