In your relationship, the words,“We need to talk” can provoke anxiety. Yet, they are vital to every relationship. Pushing down feelings and brushing aside uncomfortable thoughts are almost a Minnesota tradition. But doing so can build resentment and leave you feeling disconnected and alone. So taking relationship dealbreakers head-on is essential to relationship health.
Whether we openly acknowledge it or not, we each have our own social boundaries or rules. Dealbreakers take this to a non-negotiable level and thus, the stakes are higher. The meaning of a dealbreaker is clear. It is something over which one of you would end the relationship. Needless to say, you cannot keep dealbreakers a secret.
Common Examples of Dealbreakers
Religious beliefs
Different ideological or political stances or values
Infidelity
Financial infidelity
Abuse of any kind — ranging from stonewalling to physical violence
Drinking, drugs, and other forms of substance abuse
Incompatible sexual interests and needs
Wanting or not wanting children
Of course, there are endless categories. The point is to accept the reality that love cannot transcend everything. You can love someone deeply, but realize that you cannot be in a romantic relationship with them.
Why You Need to Communicate Your Relationship Dealbreakers
It’s simply not a healthy choice to keep emotional secrets. Sure, you may be afraid to “ruin” everything by setting such a boundary but, deep down inside, you know the real danger lies in not being honest. Therefore, the ideal scenario is to how the dealbreaker discussion early.
If you and your partner are clicking and have expressed interest in commitment, this is when you both need to be blunt about needs, wants, and expectations. You each have every right to decide where you’re willing to compromise or not. Compromise can bring you closer. Sacrifice can build resentment.
How to Talk About Your Relationship Dealbreakers
Introduce the Concept First
Have a conversation about having the conversation. The topic of dealbreakers cannot be randomly brought up. Set yourselves up for success by first talking about your need to talk.
Agree on a Time and Place
Again, set yourselves up for success. Do your best to arrange a discussion in which both of you feel ready and willing — without distractions or time constraints. Plus, recognize that this does not have to be a onetime, all-or-nothing event. You can meet and talk as many times as you feel is worthwhile.
Affirm Your Connection
Make it clear that this conversation is not designed to be an attack or a precursor to a breakup. Reaffirm your desire to be together while identifying that every healthy relationship involves tough discussions.
Use “I” Statements
When articulating your dealbreakers, do so without accusations. “You always ignore my needs” is less productive than “I feel invalidated when my needs aren’t part of the conversation.” You are owning your emotions instead of placing blame.
Don’t Give Ultimatums, But…
If your partner has not displayed dealbreaker behavior, this chat is theoretical. If they have, well, avoid going straight to “either you stop or I’m gone.” Find out more about their choices and trust the process to reveal common ground.
Find a Couples Therapist
If the ideas discussed above remind you of a minefield, I do not blame you. This is a vulnerable choice that requires a commitment to frequent, honest, and direct communication. Couples therapy is where you can refine those skills in preparation for all the challenges a relationship can bring. In your weekly sessions, you can lay the productive groundwork for the types of conversations that feel uncomfortable.
Relationships require work, but the results are often so worth it. I’d love to work with you to find this rhythm and balance in your relationship.