Too often, terms like diversity and inclusion are thrown around like a corporate motivational poster. We often don’t understand what it means to be culturally different. After moving to Minnesota in 2016 from San Francisco, my well-meaning mother-in-law who pointed out some South-Asian Indian families at a bus stop and said,”Hey, look, there are some immigrants you can make friends with!”
People who are from different cultures may not understand the nuances of being from your culture. This goes double for people who are from the “dominant” culture. Everything from how you adapt your food to the local vegetable market to how turkey AND noodle dishes are served in Thanksgiving.
Ideally, this time of year is about unity and celebration. When you and your partner celebrate the holidays differently, it’s also about seeking balance. The good news is that you can find balance. You can also find advantages in your differences. But it will require commitment and ongoing work.
How to Find Balance When You Celebrate the Holidays Differently
Shift Your Expectations
If your childhood holidays created wonderful memories, that’s great. But don’t try to relive that. Life evolves and now you’re in a new situation. Your partner grew up with different memories and traditions. Don’t get caught in the “we always did it this way” trap. Instead, don’t aim to re-create the past, but rather attain the same level of joy in different ways.
Communicate
Maintain a steady rhythm of open and honest discussions. Learn more about each other’s traditions, culture, and past. Strive to understand what the holidays mean to each other. Also, communicate with your new, extended families. Learn firsthand how their cultural background shoes their lives. Be curious and ask lots of respectful questions. Allow these conversations to guide you to an agreement and healthy compromise.
Accept the Inevitable Tension
Don’t plan for perfection. There will be disagreements, so prepare to practice some productive conflict resolution. A few notes:
In times of conflict, remain respectful.
Don’t take it personally if your partner sees some things differently.
Amidst your differences, always be on the lookout for common ground.
Remember Your Bond
Despite being from diverse backgrounds, you met and fell in love and committed to each other. Use this as a reminder that you can and will overcome lesser issues like holiday plans.
Most of All, Embrace the Opportunity to Be Creative!
Most couples and families have annual traditions that they perform almost with awareness. You, on the other hand, have been handed a gift. Due to your differences, you and your spouse can take the opportunity to try a wide range of traditions. Without a carved-in-stone template, any and all ideas are open to you. So, why not learn about as many cultures as you can? Try out ideas and keep what works for both of you and keep flexing those creative muscles.
There are no rules except those you choose. In fact, you don’t even have to use a word like “rules.” Keep things open and spontaneous. Entertain the option of changing things up every single year. You and your partner evolve. If you have kids, they will grow and have their own ideas. Stay flexible and allow the possibilities to find you.
Also, consider inviting friends to play a role. You may know others in multicultural relationships. Or perhaps you have some single friends without a community to celebrate with. The more people who participate, the more options you will discover.
You can find ways to honor your heritage and your relatives without turning a joyous time into a battlefield. Commit to the process and always remember to have fun along the way.
Couples Therapy Can Be Your Sanctuary
When you feel pulled in too many directions, it can be soothing to have a safe space. Couples therapy is where you can start hashing out the emotions — and the logistics — you’re both dealing with. I’ve helped many couples in similar situations and I’d love to do the same for you. Let’s connect and talk about this soon.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.