Last time, we had a serious discussion about the role of conflict in healthy relationships. To recap, we established that disagreement is inevitable, normal, and often useful.
What matters most is how a couple handles their fights. Healthy communication can resolve issues and provide powerful lessons. But… can relationship conflict be measured effectively by frequency?
Of course, every couple, every individual, and every situation is unique in some way. It is a fool’s errand to attempt setting a clear over-under number on the number of fights. However, there is still plenty to say about this common topic.
Define “Fight”
Consult your nearest search engine and you may happen upon a factoid or three. For example, it’s held that the average couple fights seven times a day. This is a very difficult statistic to verify. The main reason is that the concept of “fighting” is in the eye of the beholder. Thus, it becomes essential for each couple to define what they mean when they say something like, “My partner and I had a big argument last night.”
What’s “big” and what’s an “argument”? Settling such questions of semantics might be best achieved in couples counseling. We’ll get to that shortly. For now, it can be super helpful for each partner to open up about what feels like conflict to them. This will give you a frame of reference when contemplating the state of your relationship.
Once Again, It’s a Matter of How You Fight
The average couple probably disagrees about seven times a day. You might differ on what dessert to have or who takes out the garbage. Such daily interactions can help both of you become more aware of your differences and how to navigate them. It teaches you important skills like compromise and communication.
Dessert or the garbage, however, should not be the cause of a heated argument that leaves at least one of you feeling wounded. If that’s the case, you really need to examine how and why things escalate. I invite you to check out my last post for some information on healthy vs. unhealthy conflict.
How to Understand Your Conflict Styles and Causes
Talk About It
Give each other room and respect. Find out how your partner feels about the times you disagree. Do they feel it’s too often or too intense? How do they discern a difference of opinion from an all-out spat? You may be surprised by the answers you get. But don’t use this as an opportunity to fight!
Instead, gather information and keep it in mind whenever you sense a squabble brewing. You’ll be pleasantly surprised to learn how many fights can be prevented when you hear each other more clearly.
Get to the Root
As you pay closer attention to the rhythms of your conflicts, you will identify patterns. These patterns can empower you to recognize if some underlying causes are at play.
You don’t want to expend time and energy on an argument if it’s masking the real issues. Digging deep is an excellent way to reduce the number of surface-level disagreements that keep arising.
Choose Face-to-Face
Handling in person is a powerful choice. You can determine a lot from each other’s energy, tone, body language, etc. If you notice that conflict is more likely via text, act accordingly. It doesn’t mean you never text again. But it could mean you’re more selective as to what topics you text about. In the end, face-to-face is almost always best.
It’s not about keeping score on how many fights you have. You are better served to pay close attention to how you fight and what you fight about.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, swing by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.