It may seem odd to use the word “healthy” to describe any conflict, but this can be a crucial component of any relationship. Contrary to popular opinion—and pop culture—some degree of conflict is normal between partners. It is inevitable and has the potential to be quite helpful. I like what Terrence Real says about the process of marriage: Every relationship is an endless dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair.
Keeping your feelings inside is never the solution. Healthy conflict resolution requires steady, direct, and respectful communication. This means both of you must commit to learning and applying new skills. The payoff for this ongoing work is a deeper bond and richer life.
What Does Unhealthy Conflict Look Like?
Let’s start here. What so many people consider normal is quite unhealthy. Some elements of unhealthy conflict in a relationship are:
Stonewalling
Passive-aggressive behavior
Hostility and threats
Silent treatment
Repressing emotions
Complaining about your partner to others
Refusing to fight because it’s “bad” for your relationship
Sarcasm and insults
“You” statements (accusations)
All the above can leave both partners feeling as if they are not being heard, validated, and accepted. Such tactics also reduce your chances of repair to nil.
What Does Healthy Conflict Look Like?
It begins with acceptance. Both partners must understand that their life will not be free of disagreements or arguments. Therefore, it is imperative that they find the tools they need to deal with the stress. This awareness sounds basic, but it is rare. The vast majority of people don’t ponder conflict until they are in the middle of it.
Let’s counter the points listed above:
Healthy conflict requires the active decision to be gentle with each other. Raising your voice or launching insults never makes things better.
“I” statements go a long way in decreasing the tensions. Rather than say “you always” or “you never,” try starting with “I feel.”
Nothing can ever be repaired if one or both of you are unwilling to talk about it. Avoidance may feel logical at the moment. But even when you’re silent, you are sending messages. For one thing, you’re implying that your partner’s needs are not important to you.
It’s not a contest or competition. No matter how angry you feel, never forget that you are speaking with your life partner. The goal is not to “win.” You should be aiming for a healthy resolution and a repair of the issues that created the problem in the first place.
Trust each other enough to be radically honest and vulnerable. Pushing down your feelings only delays the inevitable. Work together to create a climate where you can open up and share your emotions.
Work as a team to discover the underlying causes. You may appear to be always fighting about taking out the garbage. That’s rarely the case. With curiosity and commitment, you can reveal the roots of the issue. From there, big-picture solutions become far more possible.
Why Healthy Conflict Can Be Helpful
Take another look at the healthy list above. You see how these approaches foster a different kind of connection. Healthy conflict can:
Reduce the amount of conflict in your life
Help you better understand and appreciate each other
Prepare you for future problems
Reveal deeper issues that must be addressed
Help you uncover patterns that are not serving
Teach you to practice respect even in the most volatile of times
I wouldn’t blame you for lumping of all this into the “easier said than done” category. Relationships are challenging. When emotions are running high, a conflict can appear to be a crisis. That’s why I invite you to reach out to set up a free and confidential consultation.