Sex is a difficult topic of conversation, even in marriages where people share children, a household and finances. It’s difficult because rejection and how we navigate it can get to the root of who we are, not just what we do. One of my favorite books on sex is Emily Nagoski's book "Come As You Are," which offers insightful perspectives into the intricate workings of sexual desire and how it varies among individuals. One of the less discussed but crucial aspects of sexual relationships is dealing with rejection. While it may initially seem disheartening, a rejection can actually serve as a valuable opportunity to open up a conversation about what fuels and dampens sexual desire for both partners.
Understanding Sexual Contexts
Nagoski introduces the concept of "sexual contexts" – the unique set of circumstances or environments in which an individual’s sexual desire is either ignited or extinguished. These contexts are influenced by a myriad of factors including emotional connection, stress levels, past experiences, and even daily interactions. When faced with rejection, it's important to understand that your partner’s lack of interest in sex at that moment might be more about their context than about you or your relationship.
The Most Common Sexual Misunderstanding
Central to Nagoski's work is the "Dual Control Model", which comprises two primary components: the sexual excitation system (SES), responsible for turning on desire, and the sexual inhibition system (SIS), responsible for turning it off. This model suggests that sexual desire is not just about ramping up the turn-ons but also about minimizing the turn-offs. A conversation about a partner’s lack of interest in sex can delve into understanding their SES and SIS, exploring what specifically activates their brakes and accelerators.
This is the part that couples often misunderstand. I explain this in my post on accelerators and brake pedals. In short, people misunderstand that attraction may still exist for their partner, but too many brake pedals being pressed at the same time makes it look like there is no attraction. So in fact, the situation isn’t “no attraction”. The situation is “attraction to my partner” plus “lost of things like work stress, sleeplessness, anxiety” that dampen desire.
Understanding this makes the problem definition a different one. It changes from “I’ve lost something that I don’t know how to recover” to “I think I can vacuum more, cook more, and help keep track of doctor’s appointments so my spouse no longer has as much mental load.”
Navigating the Conversation
Approach with Empathy and Openness: Start the conversation from a place of empathy and understanding. It's crucial to make it a safe space where both partners feel heard and respected.
Explore Individual Differences: Acknowledge that each person’s sexual preferences and triggers are unique. What works for one might not work for the other, and that’s perfectly normal.
Identify the 'Brakes' and 'Accelerators': Discuss what specific factors (emotional, physical, environmental) act as brakes and accelerators for each partner. Is it stress? Lack of emotional connection? Physical discomfort? Understanding these can help in creating a more fulfilling sexual environment.
Develop a Shared Language: Use terminology that both partners are comfortable with. This fosters better understanding and avoids misinterpretations.
Set Realistic Expectations: Recognize that sexual desire can fluctuate over time and is influenced by numerous factors. It’s important to set realistic expectations and be patient with each other.
Building Intimacy Beyond the Physical
Intimacy is not confined to physical interactions. Building emotional intimacy can play a significant role in enhancing sexual desire. This includes spending quality time together, engaging in meaningful conversations, and showing appreciation and affection outside the sexual context.
The Role of Stress and Self-Care
Nagoski emphasizes the impact of stress on sexual desire. Stress can act as a significant brake for many individuals. Engaging in self-care activities, whether individually or as a couple, can help in reducing stress levels and consequently improving the sexual relationship.
Seeking Professional Help if Needed
If navigating these conversations and understanding each other’s sexual contexts becomes challenging, seeking help from a therapist or a sex educator can be beneficial. They can offer professional guidance and strategies to improve communication and sexual compatibility.
Rejection in a sexual context can initially feel disheartening, but it can also be a powerful catalyst for growth and understanding in a relationship. By embracing the principles outlined in "Come As You Are", couples can transform these moments into opportunities for deepening their understanding of each other's desires and boundaries. The journey of exploring sexual contexts, understanding the dual control model, and building emotional intimacy can lead to a more satisfying and fulfilling sexual relationship.
If you find yourselves triggered and unable to talk about sex without getting into fights or distressing silent periods, I recommend Emotionally Focused Therapy. So often, “fights about sex” start way before sex is even on the table. EFT helps address the runaway emotional processes that trigger couples and keep them stuck. Come check out my page on Couples/Marriage Counseling for more information.
If you’re in the Minneapolis area, feel free to contact me for help. I’m in Edina, near Southdale Mall. You can contact me the following ways: Phone: 612.230.7171, email through my web form, or click the button below to reserve a time for a free 15 minute phone conversation. I look forward to talking with you.
Take good care.