In the realm of romantic relationships, the line between support and over-responsibility for a partner's emotional state is often blurred. Many individuals find themselves carrying the burden of their spouse's emotions, believing this to be a sign of true love and commitment. However, relationship experts like Sue Johnson, Terrence Real, and Esther Perel suggest that this approach can have unintended consequences. Let’s delve into why assuming responsibility for your spouse's emotional state can backfire, hindering personal and relational growth.
Pitfall 1: Creating Co-dependency
According to Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), relationships thrive on emotional responsiveness and secure attachment. However, when one partner assumes too much responsibility for the other's emotions, it can lead to a codependent dynamic. Johnson emphasizes that while empathy and support are crucial, an over-dependence on one partner for emotional stability can erode individual autonomy and resilience.
Example: Emma and Alex
Emma finds herself constantly monitoring and adapting to Alex's moods. Her days begin with assessing Alex's emotional state, and her actions are tailored to keep him content. This dynamic has led to Alex relying heavily on Emma for his emotional stability, while Emma has neglected her own needs and desires. Such a relationship, as outlined by Sue Johnson, is a classic example of codependency, where Emma's identity and well-being become inextricably linked to Alex's emotional state. This dependency erodes Emma’s autonomy and stifles Alex’s ability to develop emotional resilience.
Pitfall 2: Loss of Authenticity
Terrence Real, a family therapist and author, argues that over-responsibility can lead to a loss of authenticity in relationships. When one partner constantly adjusts their behavior to manage the other's emotional state, they may suppress their own feelings and needs. This lack of authenticity can create a barrier to genuine intimacy and understanding, as highlighted in Real's relational therapy approaches.
Example: Sarah and Tom
In Sarah and Tom's relationship, Sarah avoids conflict at all costs. She agrees with Tom, even when her opinions differ drastically. Over time, this leads to a loss of authenticity in their interactions. Tom no longer understands or sees the real Sarah, and Sarah feels increasingly alienated from her own identity. Terrence Real's work emphasizes how this loss of authenticity can prevent deep, genuine connections in relationships. The fear of conflict and the desire to maintain peace at any cost can lead to a superficial relationship, lacking in true understanding and intimacy.
Pitfall 3: Avoidance of Personal Growth
Renowned therapist Esther Perel often speaks about the importance of maintaining individuality in relationships. When a partner takes on too much emotional responsibility, it can prevent both individuals from facing their own personal challenges and growth opportunities. Perel suggests that navigating one's own emotional landscape is crucial for a healthy relationship dynamic.
Example: Michael and Linda
Linda prides herself on being Michael's rock, always there to solve his problems. Whether it’s a dispute at work or an issue with friends, Linda steps in to fix it. While this seems supportive, it prevents Michael from facing his own challenges and developing coping mechanisms. Esther Perel would argue that this dynamic hinders personal growth for both Linda and Michael. Linda becomes overburdened with the responsibility of managing two people's issues, while Michael loses the opportunity to grow from his experiences and gain self-reliance.
Pitfall 4: Setting up Parent-Child Relationship
This can easily happen if a necessary regular part of adulting is ignored by one person, forcing the other person to pick up the activity entirely. This can happen with the emotional work of marriage too. When one person starts doing most of the heavy lifting, isn’t acknowledged, and felt shut out, it can setup a situation where the “over-functioning” person takes the “parentified” role and their partner becomes metaphorically their child, constantly needing direction and care to function in a romantic relationship.
Example: Ted and Amy
Ted is a successful engineer who cares tremendously for Amy. They met in college and have been together for over 10 years. Amy knows he loves her, but gets frustrated because not only is all the planning on her plate, but he often forgets important dates that are cherished by her. Valentines, anniversaries, her birthday - all of those dates are forgotten or met with a rush purchase of Trader Joe’s chocolate right after work. She has to put in the emotional effort to tell him he’s important, but doesn’t get anything back. She asks him how his day was, and she doesn’t get the same initiation, only a reply if she initiates. Then, when she tells him that she’s hurt he hasn’t been thoughtful or observant of their anniversaries, he shuts down, requiring her to emotionally caretake to bring him back “online.” This has affected their sex life, and caused another pattern to emerge where he complains about the amount of sex they’re having, which gets her even more turned off. This leads to even less sex because she doesn’t feel cared for, nor does she feel a strong partnership with him. She feels mostly caretaking needs from him.
Rebalancing Emotional Support
If you’re finding yourself in one of those four pitfalls, you may be wondering,”Now what?” Here are some ways that you can rebalance your response to your spouse so that you can move from “over-responsibility” to what Sue Johnson refers to as “effective dependence.”
Fostering Emotional Intelligence: It's important to differentiate between being empathetic and taking on responsibility for your partner's emotional state. Developing emotional intelligence involves understanding and acknowledging emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them. This allows both partners to offer support while maintaining their emotional boundaries.
Encouraging Individual Coping Strategies: Encouraging your partner to develop their own coping mechanisms and emotional resilience is vital. This doesn't mean withdrawing support, but rather empowering them to handle their emotions effectively. It's about striking a balance between being a supportive partner and allowing space for individual emotional growth.
Open Communication: Regular, open communication is key. It allows both partners to express their feelings, understand each other's emotional needs, and negotiate the level of support required. This mutual understanding fosters a healthier, more balanced relationship.
Assuming responsibility for your spouse's emotional state, though well-intentioned, can have counterproductive effects on both partners and the relationship as a whole. Taking insights from experts like Sue Johnson, Terrence Real, and Esther Perel, it's clear that a balance must be struck. By fostering emotional intelligence, encouraging personal growth, and maintaining open communication, couples can support each other without sacrificing their individuality or creating unhealthy dependencies. In the end, understanding and respecting emotional boundaries leads to stronger, more resilient relationships.
If you are finding yourself taking too much responsibility for your spouse but can’t help yourself, get help! If you want to know more about dynamics in relationships, look at my Marriage Counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I can help in person or on video. Contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.