I joke with my clients that 100% of my couples have been raised in different households, so injuring one another is inevitable even if you’re the most well-meaning couple. As a consequence, I believe the skill of apologizing is more important than avoiding injury. In fact, if you’re telling yourself you’re doing something to “avoid injury,” you’re likely withdrawing instead, which can cause more harm than good.
No one is perfect, and misunderstandings and mistakes are bound to happen. However, it’s important to take responsibility for our actions and apologize when we’ve hurt or upset our significant other. How important is it? It’s so important that John Gottman’s research shows that married couples that survive 10-20 years in his longitudinal studies have a ratio of 5:1 of positive gestures: negative gestures. Here are 5 steps that can make you more effective in your apologies.
Step 1: Acknowledge What Happened And Your Role.
The first step in making a sincere apology is to acknowledge what you did wrong. This means taking responsibility for your actions and admitting that you made a mistake. Avoid making excuses or blaming others for your behavior. Instead, focus on the impact that your actions had on your spouse or partner.
For example, if you forgot an important event or commitment, acknowledge that you let your partner down and caused them to feel disappointed or hurt.
Step 2: Express Remorse
Here’s the TLDR for this step: “I’m Sorry.” Because verbals and non verbals matter, this means showing genuine regret for what you did. It’s important to use “I” statements and avoid making excuses or deflecting blame.
For example, you might say, “I’m really sorry that I forgot our anniversary. I know how much it means to you and I feel terrible that I let you down.”
Step 3: Make Amends
The third step in apologizing is to make amends for your actions. This means taking steps to make things right and repair the damage that you caused. This might involve offering a solution or compromise that will make your partner feel better.
For example, if you forgot an important event, you might offer to plan a special date night or surprise to make up for it.
Step 4: Promise To Do Better
The fourth step is to promise to do better in the future. This means committing to making changes in your behavior or habits to prevent similar mistakes from happening in the future.
For example, you might promise to put important dates and commitments in your calendar, or make a habit of checking in with your partner regularly to make sure you’re on the same page.
Step 5: Give Your Partner Time and Space
Remember this apology isn’t about you! The final step is to give your partner time and space to process their emotions and thoughts. Apologizing is an important step, but it’s not a magic solution that will instantly fix everything. Your partner may need time to heal and regain trust in the relationship.
Think of stubbing your toe. Does the pain go away instantly after you recoil and hold your toe in your hands? Pain takes time to go away. Same with relationships. Trust gets slowly regained even after the pain from the injury goes away.
Be patient and understanding, and avoid pressuring your partner to forgive you or move on quickly. Instead, focus on demonstrating your commitment to making things right and earning back their trust over time.
By following these steps - acknowledging what you did wrong, expressing remorse, making amends, promising to do better, and giving your partner time and space - you can make a sincere and effective apology that will help repair any damage that may have been done. If you want help apologizing to your spouse to improve your relationship and are in the Minneapolis area, I’m here to help.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, swing by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.