When things get tough in a relationship, many of us fall into one of two traps: we either try to do everything ourselves, or we stew in frustration because our spouse isn’t stepping up in the way we want them to. But there’s a better way—a way that can actually improve your relationship. It starts with focusing on how you ask for your spouse’s help, and how your approach can change the dynamic from one of disconnection to a true partnership.
Here’s the reality: you can only change yourself. While it’s tempting to think your partner just needs to figure out what’s wrong and fix it, the most effective change comes when you shift your own approach. That doesn’t mean silently taking on more or pretending everything’s okay; it means learning how to enlist your partner in a way that brings you both closer and helps you work together as a team.
Speaking Up and Asking for Help: The Power of Direct Communication
One of the most important steps you can take to improve your marriage is simply speaking up. If something in your relationship feels off, or if you need more support, your partner can’t read your mind. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of healthy communication.
The key is how you ask. For many of us, when we finally do speak up, it can come out in a tone that sounds frustrated, accusatory, or even angry. While the feelings behind those words may be completely valid, the delivery can make it hard for your partner to respond positively. They may feel attacked or defensive, which makes it harder for them to offer the support you need.
This is where getting softer comes in. Instead of saying, “You never help me with the housework!” try a gentler approach: “I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed with the housework lately, and I would love it if we could work on it together.” The softer tone makes it easier for your partner to hear the request without feeling blamed or criticized.
The "Focus on Yourself" That Makes Real Change
At first, it might seem counterintuitive—focusing on yourself to improve the relationship. But by changing the way you communicate your needs and the way you ask for help, you’re actually taking control of your part in the relationship dynamic. This shift can create real change because it moves you from two people “doing their relationship in their heads” to a place where you’re actively working together as a team.
Focusing on yourself in this way doesn’t mean ignoring your partner’s role or avoiding tough conversations. It means recognizing that you have the power to shape the tone and direction of those conversations. When you ask for help in a way that invites collaboration instead of conflict, you’re building a sense of shared responsibility for the relationship.
From Two Individuals to a True Partnership
This shift is what Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, calls effective dependence. It’s the idea that in a healthy relationship, both partners learn to depend on each other in a balanced and supportive way. You’re not doing everything on your own or carrying the mental load of the relationship in your head, and you’re not avoiding important conversations because they’re uncomfortable.
Instead, you’re leaning into your relationship in a way that creates mutual goals. You’re asking your spouse for help when you need it, and you’re creating space for them to do the same. This kind of interdependence allows you to work as a team, with both of you supporting the health of the relationship.
Practical Steps to Enlist Your Spouse’s Help Effectively
Speak Up: If something is bothering you or you need help, don’t assume your partner knows. Be direct, but kind, in asking for what you need. It can feel vulnerable at first, but this vulnerability is key to deepening your connection.
Get Softer: Pay attention to your tone. Even if you’re frustrated, try to communicate in a way that invites understanding rather than defensiveness. Phrases like “I’ve been feeling…” or “It would mean a lot to me if…” can help open up a productive conversation.
Acknowledge What’s Working: When your partner does step up, acknowledge it. Positive reinforcement can go a long way in building a team mentality. Let them know you see their effort, and that it makes a difference.
Work Toward Shared Goals: Instead of focusing on what each of you is doing individually, frame your relationship as a partnership with shared goals. This can be anything from creating a more peaceful home environment to making sure both of you feel emotionally supported.
Practice Effective Dependence: Don’t be afraid to rely on each other. Marriage isn’t about being entirely self-sufficient. It’s about knowing when and how to ask for help, and being there for your spouse when they need the same.
The Benefits of Teamwork in Marriage
When you and your spouse start working as a team, something amazing happens: your marriage stops feeling like a competition or a tug-of-war, and it starts to feel like a partnership in the truest sense. You’re not just two individuals living parallel lives—you’re two people who are actively supporting each other’s needs, goals, and happiness.
By changing the way you enlist your spouse’s help, you’re fostering a dynamic of effective dependence. This is where the real magic happens. Instead of handling everything on your own, or silently resenting your partner for not pitching in, you start to feel like you’re in this together. And that’s what a true relationship is about—working as a team, supporting each other, and building something stronger together than either of you could do alone.
If you’re ready to take the next step in improving your marriage by focusing on how you communicate and ask for support, I’m here to help. Together, we can work on strategies to strengthen your partnership and build a relationship that thrives on teamwork and mutual respect. Reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation.
Remember, the key to a better relationship often starts with changing how you ask for help. By doing so, you’re not only improving your own experience—you’re inviting your spouse to be a partner in creating a healthier, happier marriage.