I had an epiphany the other day: there is a lot of bad advice on the internet. In one of the “Marriage Advice For Men” groups I joined on Facebook, a member shared that he thought his wife’s constant need to know what he was feeling was ridiculous because he “lets her know”—but then she doesn’t want to hear it. And this isn’t uncommon. Here’s what’s worth knowing about emotions: some are constructive to bring up, and some are absolutely abrasive. I’m not absolutely certain this happened in this guy’s scenario, but If you’re hoping to be heard, recognized, and supported by your partner, starting with an emotion like anger, frustration, irritation, annoyance can be the wrong move.
Why Frustration and Anger Are the Wrong Starting Point
When your spouse asks you to express more of your emotions, you may be tempted to start with what’s right on the surface—often emotions like anger, frustration, or irritation. But these emotions aren’t the best place to start because they’re what we therapists call secondary emotions. Secondary emotions are typically what humans show when we’re trying to mask or cope with more vulnerable feelings underneath, like sadness, fear, loneliness, anxiety, or pain.
Think of secondary emotions as a kind of armor. They protect us from the discomfort of more sensitive feelings, but they also tend to keep others at arm’s length. Here’s why these emotions don’t serve well in opening up a conversation with your partner:
Pushing People Away: Anger and frustration often push people away. They act as a defense mechanism, creating distance that prevents others from seeing the vulnerable feelings underneath.
Triggering Defensiveness: These emotions can feel like an attack, which often makes your spouse react defensively instead of empathizing with you.
Taking Up All the Attention: Once anger, irritation, or frustration take the spotlight, they overshadow the more vulnerable emotions you’re actually trying to convey. Instead of focusing on your pain or need, your spouse may end up responding to your frustration or irritation itself, leaving you feeling even more misunderstood.
In these situations, instead of receiving empathy, you’re likely to encounter a protest about your frustration. It’s a surefire way to not feel heard.
The Power of Starting with Primary Emotions
Instead of defaulting to frustration or anger, try getting to the heart of what’s underneath these feelings. Primary emotions like sadness, fear, and loneliness reveal the real story and are more likely to resonate with your partner’s compassion. When you say, “I felt really unimportant when you made plans without consulting me,” you’re sharing an experience of hurt or insecurity rather than frustration. This vulnerable approach allows your partner to see the true impact of their actions on you.
For instance, consider how much softer the conversation feels when you say, “I felt really unimportant to you when you made plans for the family without consulting me,” compared to, “You never include me in decisions!” The first approach invites understanding and compassion, while the second is more likely to lead to defensiveness or arguments.
Preparing to Speak from Vulnerability
Expressing these primary emotions can feel awkward, even unnatural, especially if you’re used to showing frustration as a default. Here are some steps to help you connect with and express your vulnerable emotions more comfortably:
Pause and Reflect: Take a moment to identify what’s really behind your frustration. Ask yourself questions like, “Am I feeling lonely? Hurt? Fearful? Unimportant?”
Practice Your Words: Before bringing it up with your partner, try practicing how you want to say it. Saying something like, “I felt anxious when I didn’t hear from you all day because I really needed support,” may feel awkward, but it helps you lead with honesty.
Be Prepared for Vulnerability: Acknowledging your more vulnerable emotions can feel exposing, but the more you practice, the easier it gets. Over time, you’ll likely find that speaking from this place strengthens your connection.
Consider the Timing: Timing is everything when discussing sensitive topics. If your partner is distracted or upset, consider waiting for a better moment when they can truly listen.
When you lead with vulnerability, you create a doorway for a more genuine connection. Your partner has a chance to hear the real concern or hurt you’re experiencing, instead of feeling attacked by your frustration or anger.
The Frustration Trap: Why Your Message Gets Lost
Starting with frustration often clouds your message, making it hard for your spouse to connect with the actual need or hurt you’re experiencing. Instead of being able to respond to your primary emotion, they get caught up in defending against your frustration, which can feel abrasive and unproductive. The result? Your partner misses the chance to give you the compassion you actually need, and you end up feeling even more unseen and unheard.
To make your message land, try shifting your focus from the surface emotion (like frustration) to what’s really hurting you. Saying something like, “I felt afraid when I thought you weren’t listening to me about this,” conveys the true need underneath your frustration, allowing your partner to understand and respond more empathically.
Using Terrence Real’s Feedback Wheel
If you’re looking for a practical tool to help you express your needs constructively, check out my piece on Terrence Real’s Feedback Wheel here. The Feedback Wheel encourages you to structure your feedback by:
Describing the Behavior: Start by stating what you observed without exaggeration or accusation.
Sharing Your Feelings: Communicate the primary, vulnerable emotion you felt as a result.
Expressing the Impact: Explain why this behavior affected you the way it did.
Requesting a Change: Ask for what you need in a clear, direct way.
This approach helps keep the conversation calm and focused, making it easier for your partner to understand and respond compassionately.
Final Thoughts: Embracing Vulnerability as a Strength
It takes courage to share your deeper emotions, especially if frustration, anger, or irritation have been your default response. But by leading with vulnerability, you create a space for genuine connection where your needs and feelings can truly be heard. Over time, as you and your spouse practice expressing and responding to these primary emotions, you’ll find that conflict decreases, and understanding increases.
So, the next time you’re tempted to express your frustration, pause and ask yourself what’s really underneath it. Is it a fear of being unimportant? A worry about feeling disconnected? A hope for more closeness? When you start from there, you’re speaking from a place of truth—and that’s where real connection begins. Together, we can work on strategies to strengthen your partnership and build a relationship that thrives on teamwork and mutual respect. Reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation.