In any close relationship, misunderstandings and hurt feelings are inevitable. It's especially complicated when both you and your spouse have hurt each other, and neither of you feels ready to apologize. This standoff can create a rift in your relationship, but it doesn’t have to be a dead end. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), is an approach to understanding and helping couples that has the most outcome research out of all the modern couples therapies.
Understanding the Role of Emotions:
EFT emphasizes the importance of emotions in shaping our interactions and bonds with our partners. When we're hurt, our primary emotions – like fear, sadness, or loneliness – often get masked by secondary emotions such as anger or frustration. Recognizing these underlying feelings is the first step towards healing. Why? Because secondary emotions like anger protect our vulnerability. Think about this: when you’re scared that your spouse doesn’t love you, isn’t it easier to criticize how they didn’t say “happy birthday” in the morning than to say ,”I’m scared you don’t love me anymore?”
But there’s no free lunch. Though anger and its gang of secondary emotions reduce vulnerability, they make it more confusing to your partner why you’re acting that way. Anger can serve to push people away (because angry people aren’t pleasant to be around) or it can serve to bust through people’s defenses. Anger is really good at that, but now anger takes up all the attention and people will react to the anger, not your hurt, fear, or loneliness.
Now the confusing thing is that frustration, annoyance, and irritation also serve the same function of reducing vulnerability. I wrote a blog post on how some emotions such as frustration, irritation, and annoyance serve the same purpose as anger.
The Antidote
Get underneath the anger/frustration/annoyance. Spend some time identifying your primary emotions behind the hurt. Are you feeling neglected, unimportant, or scared? Understanding your own emotional landscape is crucial before you can address the situation with your spouse. This is what you want to share, not the anger, frustration or annoyance.
If you can’t do this, then your partner is probably still “your enemy” and you’re needing some more active calming. Look at the linked article on active calming. This isn’t just taking a break. It’s establishing with your partner that you need to take a break and that you want to come back together. Then it’s using breathing techniques to help calm you down. You can use other techniques too - some people go for a run, or meditate. Breath activates the parasympathetic nervous system to calm you down.
The Power of Vulnerability
In a stalemate, it’s tempting to wait for the other person to make the first move. However, EFT encourages vulnerability. This doesn’t necessarily mean rushing to apologize but rather expressing your underlying emotions without blame or criticism.
Share Your Feelings Without Accusations
Try to express your feelings without making it about your spouse's actions. For example, say "I feel hurt and lonely when we don't talk about our day," instead of "You never listen to me." This reduces the chance that it comes across as criticism.
3 Examples
Here’s an example of how to change a statement from a “blamey criticism” to something that talks about your internal need. Imagine that you find out about your spouse’s new plan to change their work hours during a party. They hadn’t talked to you about it until you heard it at a party, which really made it feel like they didn’t care what you wanted. Ouch. Here are a couple of different ways to go about it.
Likely to provoke a fight:
[During the party] What the hell, Madison! You couldn’t tell me about working Tuesday nights before you told everyone else? Guess what? Surprise! You’re sleeping on the couch tonight!
Less likely to provoke a fight:
When you talked to Sam about your new work schedule without talking to me about it first, the story in my head is that you don’t really care what I think. I feel unimportant and that makes me really sad, especially since this isn’t the first time this has happened. Can you tell me what was going on that you felt a need to share that with someone at a party before you shared it with me?
Also less likely to provoke a fight:
When you told Sam about your plans for schedule change, I was really hurt and felt unimportant because you hadn’t checked with me. Can you tell me what was going on that you had decided that already before coming to me?
Creating a Safe Emotional Space
A key aspect of EFT is creating a safe emotional space where both partners can express their feelings without fear of judgment or retaliation. This is crucial in a situation where both partners are hurt. This is one of the big reasons why “talking about feelings” can actually become a negative experience - people will divulge feelings that are not safe, like anger or frustration. Here’s an example:
Instead of: I feel so frustrated that you’re so disorganized.
Say: I’m hurt that I haven’t felt listened to when I said I needed you to get everything at the grocery store. I understand occasionally messing up, but it’s happened a lot lately and I don’t know how to ask differently.
Getting the time to talk right for both of you
Establish Ground Rules for Discussions Agree on a time and place where both of you can talk without interruptions. Set ground rules, such as not interrupting each other or using accusatory language. I have a post on how to have a difficult conversation with your partner.
Remember, not rushing to apologize doesn’t mean avoiding responsibility. It's about understanding the deeper emotional currents and creating a space where both of you can feel heard and valued. Through the principles of EFT, you can navigate through the hurt towards a place of greater understanding and connection. Healing is a journey, and with patience and empathy, you can walk this path together.
If you are finding yourself stuck and can’t stop your pattern of fighting, get help! When both of you are hurt, it can be difficult to come to each other’s aid. If you want to know more about dynamics in relationships, look at my Marriage Counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I can help in person or on video. Contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.