Change Your Relationship Dynamic: Be The Generational Hero

Family dysfunction rolls down from generation to generation like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children that follow.” — Terry Real

This powerful quote from Terry Real captures the essence of what it means to break the cycle of intergenerational trauma. The patterns we inherit from our families of . . .

Have you ever found yourself staying firmly in the realm of logic during a heated conversation with your spouse, thinking that if you just stick to the facts, everything will work itself out? It might seem like a reasonable approach—after all, who wouldn’t want to keep things rational and avoid the messy business of emotions?

Asking for help can be a challenging task, especially if you’re someone who identifies as a recovering people pleaser. People pleasers are often trained, consciously or unconsciously, to focus on the needs of others while sidelining their own. The idea of reaching out for support can feel foreign, even daunting, but in a relationship, asking for help isn’t just a practical necessity—it’s a powerful act of intimacy that can strengthen your bond.

When relationships hit rough patches, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the challenges. Couples counseling offers a structured process where two people fundamentally change how they relate. In a nutshell, I help couples team up against the neurological responses of the 4 F's: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. These responses, while designed to protect us, can generate fights or disconnections that damage the relationship and prevent effective problem-solving.

Let’s face it: gaming is popular. From Mario Kart to Fortnite to Royal Match, gaming is done in basements, in libraries, and in elevators. For some, it’s a way to unwind, blow off steam, and even socialize with friends. However, like any other activity, gaming can interfere with relationships when it becomes excessive and starts to take priority over daily obligations and emotional connections.

How often have you been stuck in a cycle of asking, "What should my partner do better?" This mindset, while seemingly logical, can sometimes lead you down a path of frustration and conflict. Let me propose a shift in your approach: stop asking what we should do and start asking what is effective in our relationship.

One of the most challenging dynamics I see in couples therapy is the stalemate that occurs when both partners are deeply hurt. Each person waits for the other to apologize first, to make the first concession, or to express remorse. This standoff can leave both parties feeling stuck, frustrated, and disconnected.

In my work as a marriage counselor, I have found that the number one logistical headache for women in heterosexual couples is the responsibility of managing the household logistics. While they may not always be the ones executing every task, such as cleaning the bathroom or calling a plumber, they often bear the mental burden of tracking what needs to be done. This invisible load is a frequent source of frustration and resentment among women who come to see me.

I often get a couple coming in where they complain about the other person and expet me to adjudicate their conflict. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who cares? As Terry Real likes to say, “Would you like to be right, or would you like to be married?” My framework for couples is this: Relationship is two individuals working as a team against the inherent neurological responses that can disrupt a functional marriage. These responses—fight, flight, freeze, and fawn—are deeply embedded in our biology, and they often arise in the face of perceived threats, including emotional conflicts within a relationship.

Conflict is an unavoidable part of any intimate relationship. How couples handle these conflicts, however, can either strengthen their bond or cause significant emotional damage. One crucial aspect of navigating conflicts is understanding and owning the way you fight. This involves recognizing your conflict style and its impact on your partner. In this blog, we will focus on the dynamic between withdrawers and their anxious attachment partners, and how owning your behavior can lead to healthier, more productive conflicts.

Parenting is a deeply personal and emotional experience. It's a journey that is not only relentless, but also holds a vulnerable mirror to our very own selves. When criticism of parenting arises, it can feel like a personal attack, causing significant emotional pain and conflict. Such criticism can lead to shutdowns, fights, and long-lasting resentment. Understanding why this happens and how to navigate these sensitive issues is crucial for maintaining a healthy and supportive relationship.

One of the most profound challenges couples face is navigating the instinctual survival responses that are hardwired into our brains: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. These responses, while useful in life-threatening situations, can wreak havoc in our relationships. Couples counseling offers a collaborative space where partners can learn to team up against these primal responses, fostering healthier and more resilient connections.

In the journey of long-term relationships, playfulness often becomes a forgotten art. As couples navigate the responsibilities of work, parenting, and the mundane routines of daily life, the lightheartedness and spontaneity that once brought so much joy can fade into the background. Yet, playfulness is a vital ingredient in maintaining a vibrant and intimate connection. It’s the secret sauce that keeps love lively and resilient.

In the landscape of long-term relationships, one of the most common challenges couples face is maintaining a balance between desire and domesticity. It’s an intricate dance, a delicate interplay between the routine of daily life and the longing for passionate connection. As a couples counselor, I often encounter partners grappling with this tension. They ask, “How can we keep the spark alive amidst the demands of work, family, and the everyday?”

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, especially romantic ones. It’s easy to find ourselves entrenched in arguments, certain that we are right and that our perspective is the only valid one. However, even if you believe you are right, there are always ways to improve your approach to keep a disagreement from escalating into an argument and instead foster a productive conversation. Understanding and implementing these strategies can transform your relationship dynamics and lead to healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Sex often mirrors the intricate steps of a dance. Each movement, each gesture communicates meaning and potential for deeper connection. But just as in dance, where feedback can refine and enhance performance, in intimacy, the way we give and receive feedback can either elevate the experience or lead to discord. The key lies in the personalization of feedback—how we frame it, deliver it, and process it—especially in the sensitive arena of sexual intimacy.

Whether in the context of therapy or romantic partnerships, the notion of "being felt" stands out as a profound catalyst for healing and connection. This feeling—essentially being truly understood and empathized with on an emotional level—serves as the bedrock upon which many therapeutic practices and successful relationships are built. Today I’m going to explore why the feeling of being felt is not just a beneficial element but a necessary foundation for healing in both therapy and love relationships.

In the aftermath of a disagreement with a spouse or partner, the silence can be deafening. The time spent waiting for the other person to break the ice with an apology often feels interminable, fraught with a mix of hurt feelings, stubborn pride, and a daunting emotional standoff. However, persistently waiting for your partner to apologize first may not just prolong the conflict—it could actually undermine the very foundation of your relationship

In the close-knit journey of marriage, complaints can either help us grow closer or push us apart. When one partner complains about something, it’s super common to want to hit back with a complaint of your own. However, this kind of reaction can really mess with the health of your relationship. Let’s dive into why firing back with your own complaints when your spouse raises an issue can hurt your bond, come off as defensive, make the conversation way more complicated, and often leave the original problem hanging.

I wanted to write a blog post about the ways I get tripped up personally in my relationship with my wife.  Why?  I’ve always felt it is a real public service for leaders in the mental health community to talk about their own struggles.  It humanizes things.  It normalizes what you may be feeling, so instead of feeling like “something is wrong with you,” you can understand things as “I’m a human experiencing human things.” It stands to give readers that universal salve: hope.