Fighting About Silly Stuff? – Making Sense of Underlying Emotions

There’s a good chance you don’t need me to tell you that couples often get into challenging conversations. These conversations are driven by underlying emotions that keep you guys either always fighting, continually distancing from one another, or a combination of the two. Sounds familiar?

And once you’ve started fighting, it can be hard to resolve it in a way that feels peaceful and connected with the other person. Again, this is probably not breaking news. Concerning these situations, I can help you make sense of the underlying emotions that keep you fighting about silly stuff.

A Trigger Model

A trigger is a device that, with a small amount of force, produces a significant outcome. When you and your partner get into an argument, one of you can get triggered. This response typically spills over onto the other person to trigger them. It doesn’t end there. This cycle can go on and on — with each person contributing more energy into the system with each pass.

Just because someone gets triggered, it doesn’t mean they start yelling. They may get quiet or shut down or become avoidant. These non-aggressive behaviors may appear as defensive or abandoned by the other person. Hence, the other person may choose to get more energetic in their pursuit of conflict resolution. Think of it like them taking out a bigger sword whenever they see a shield in front of them.

To Infinity and Beyond

Couples counselors have a symbol they use for your relationship — an infinity loop. Oh, the irony! Many of my couples feel like their pattern of fighting or disconnection goes on and on. If you look at that loop and the line across the infinity symbol, the stuff listed above the line is all the behaviors couples engage in during a difficult conversation:

• Behavior

• Perceptions/Attributions

• Secondary Emotions

The stuff listed below the line are the thoughts and feelings you get when your partner does something:

• Primary Emotion

• Unmet Attachment Needs

The left and right half of the infinity loop has one of your names on it. Thus, each of you contributes something to this never-ending argument. It may sound daunting, but there’s a bright side: Each of you has your own way out of this infinity loop. In the end, the circle is wholly dependent on what you do. By changing what you do and how you react, you break the cycle.

How Therapy Can Help

As a counselor, I’d encourage you to examine the nuances of the infinity loop closely. This in-depth look can begin by choosing a relatively recent disagreement or fight.

Describe the Episode

Each partner first details what someone would’ve seen had the spat been filmed. From there, they each explain what action they took and how they feel those actions influenced their partner to act and speak. Notes are compared and blended until a version is created that both people can mostly agree with.

Get Vulnerable

Using the agreed-upon narrative as a starting point, the couple asks each other about their underlying feelings. Be direct and specific. For example, you might want to ask: “Did I confuse you?” or “Did you feel sad?” Get each other to dig deeper and risk being very blunt and open.

Consider Alternative Narratives

Next, focus on what you think you and your partner could’ve done differently to change the outcome. Ask for suggestions and turn the exercise into a collaboration. This task is not an easy one, so be patient. Operate from a place of mutual support. When you agree on new approaches, take time to celebrate this breakthrough.

If this article has caught your interest and you want to know more about my thoughts on couples, feel free to check out my page on marriage counseling.  

Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom).  I’m a couples therapist that really specializes in relationships.  I’ve helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck.

Contact me by calling 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the button below for a free, 15 minute phone consult to see if I’m a match.  Take good care.

Do Men and Women Respond Differently to Infidelity? – Why It Matters

Plenty of studies offer results to prove how men and women respond differently to being cheated on. Generally speaking, men report being more jealous of sexual infidelity. On the other hand, women are more upset about emotional affairs.

This response holds true across the globe and throughout different cultures. While there is value in factoring in the prevailing trends, it’s wise to address these betrayals on a case-by-case basis — especially with same-sex couples. That said, each partner will most likely respond differently to adultery, and this reality can inform any effort toward healing.

What Is Infidelity?

“Cheating” isn’t as easy to define as it may seem. It’s up to each couple (Note: not each partner) to decide. As a result, in the digital age, “having an affair” could mean sexting or creating a secret emotional connection with someone online. More broadly, a couple could see betrayal in:

• Particular acts only (from kissing to intercourse)

• Giving your loyalty to someone other than your partner

• Pornography

• Hiring an “escort”

• Emotional affairs

• Keeping secrets from your spouse

In other words, this conversation must begin long, long before there is ever a chance of infidelity. Unless you have both consented to specific parameters, there is too much room for mixed messages and clever deceptions.

How Couples Responds to Infidelity and Why it Matters

Once the ground rules have been laid down — and broken by one of you — then comes the reaction. How each partner responds is essential because within that reaction may lie the key to recovery. For the sake of simplicity, I’ll break it down into the two most common categories:

Emotional

Reminder: You don’t have to take your clothes off to cheat. If your needs are emotional, you may seek to have them met elsewhere. It may be in-person; it may be virtual or “cyber.” Either way, the betrayed partner’s response will be based on:

• The natural shock and anger of being deceived by your spouse

• Hearing the news that they are seen as neglectful or cold

No partner is ever justified in cheating. The recovery here must involve remorse and accountability from the person who sought love elsewhere. It must also include an in-depth exploration of the underlying causes.

Physical

This aspect is what most people imagine when they hear a word like adultery. A person in a committed relationship has engaged in sex acts with someone other than their partner. When the cheater is caught or confesses, the response from their significant other will probably spring from:

• The natural shock and anger of being deceived by your spouse

• Feelings of shame and self-doubt about their looks or sexiness

Again, the onus is on the cheating partner to step up with the bulk of the post-affair work. However, there will also be a special kind of healing required to repair the intimacy and trust.

Weaving through both of the above categories is another motivation: revenge. If one of you feels invalidated or unappreciated, this can be used as an excuse to “punish” your partner. When this infidelity is disclosed, the response will probably blend all of the above factors.

You’ll Benefit from Counseling

Hopefully, it’s clear by now that it can be tricky to make generalizations after any post-affair fallout. Also, tensions and emotions are colliding. This response reduces the chances of clear-eyed communication.

Enter the couples counselor. When betrayal shatters a couple’s trust, it is crucial to have help from a professional guide. I’ve worked with couples, and I’ve seen reactions that run the full gamut.

I talk about this and other things in my affair recovery page, so check that out if you’re looking for more ways to reboot your relationship.

Finally, if you’re in Minnesota, I am doing video sessions for couples and would be happy to help. Contact me at 612.230.7171, email me via my contact page, or click on the link below to self-schedule a call with me to see if we’re a match.

Take good care.