…I’m asking you to tell them what you need in a way that they can hear. So you can be seen and heard. Instead, I'm guessing that you’re getting into a fight, or they’re shutting down or going away. Wouldn’t you rather they understand what your needs are and respond with compassion and interest?
How Multicultural Couples Can Find Success
. . .That being said, Cultural conflicts can be the main source of conflict. This article is about ways couples can overcome those challenges. When culture becomes the primary conflict, it can feel to one or both people that their spouse or partner is taking the side of an oppressing culture. This reality reinforces the need for solidarity and to embrace doing the work. It’s critical to go into this scenario with being united as a priority.
4 Challenges and Interracial Couples Face
Why It's Important To Show Your Partner Appreciation
Supporting Your Depressed Partner
8 Steps To Communicate With Your Spouse When You're Angry
I tell my clients that when anger enters the room, it takes up all the attention, much to the chagrin of the angry speaker. If you get mad at your spouse instead of telling them that you’re hurt, they don’t tend to pay attention to the pain you’re experiencing. They instead react to the anger. That reaction tends to increase the chance you feel unheard.
How to Tell If Your Partner Is an Avoidant Communicator
Each of us has an attachment style. Some of us are lucky to have a secure attachment style. Unfortunately, most folks juggle insecure attachment styles like disorganized, anxiety, and avoidance. As adults, how we attach is profoundly shaped during our childhood. How our parents or caregivers interact with us makes a massive impression on us in terms of future connections.
Common Things Couples Fight About
Signs Your Relationship is in a Communication Breakdown
How Couples Can Communicate When Times Are Hard
4 ways To Be More Intimate With Your Partner
When you hear the word “intimate,” your mind automatically conjure up sex? Sex is a form of intimacy, but sexual intimacy begins “outside the bedroom.” I’ve talked in other articles about how using the language of sexual accelerators and brakes may be helpful in understanding what modulates sexual desire for both of you.
Are You Fighting Too Much With Your Partner?
How To Communicate Better
Communicating With An Avoidant Partner
How To Show Up Better For Your Spouse
Recently, I talked about what can make you a better partner. Recognizing the need for such efforts is a giant step toward a healthier relationship. But once you know the steps, you still have to take them. Sometimes, that is precisely where the roadblocks exist. Where and how do you start? Do you really need to make changes or should you wait to see if problems arise?
Simply put, a healthy partnership does not happen by accident. It requires lots of desire and effort. Both partners must commit to what is a long-term, ever-evolving project. Let’s take a closer look at how to make this happen.
Do the Work
As touched on above, this is the foundation. You won’t always get it right, but you just keep trying. Demonstrate, through your actions and your words, that being a better partner is important to you. It’s a major priority in your life. Such a commitment is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. But it is a clear sign that you get it.
It helps to recognize that being a better partner is not a destination. There is no finish line. You wake up, wipe the slate clean, and start again. If this sounds onerous, keep in mind how wonderful the rewards are.
Communicate
Frequently
Directly
Respectfully
Face-to-face
You can’t have a relationship without some conflict. However, conflict is far more likely if you’re not practicing healthy communication. Virtually any situation or crisis can be managed when both partners are expressing their thoughts and emotions in a mature manner. Keep the lines of communication open.
Go Above and Beyond
Even the happiest couples can fall into a rut. Things settle into a routine and you may inadvertently take each other for granted. A powerful way to prevent this tendency is to keep looking for ways to challenge the ordinary. Go out of your way to do the right thing.
Discover new ways to express your appreciation, gratitude, lust, and love. Don’t be afraid of being corny. Let your partner know they are always on your mind. It’s not about spending money or putting on a show (although, it can be sometimes). The idea here is to remind them how much they mean to you in a fresh and authentic manner.
Improve Your Listening Skills
Everyone wants to feel heard. They want to be understood and validated. A big part of showing up as a better partner is appreciating this need. And it starts with listening. A few factors to keep in mind:
It’s more than just waiting for your turn to talk
Be attentive, make eye contact, and ask questions if appropriate
Check your body language, gestures, and facial expressions
Use nonverbal cues to signal that you’re listening
Do not interrupt
Perhaps most importantly, stay curious. Relationships can fall into a rhythm. You may feel certain you can predict what your partner is about to say. You may also be preparing a way to state your disagreement. Instead, try keeping an open mind. You might learn something new—including something new about your partner!
Schedule Together Time
Life is hectic. The easiest excuse in the world for not stepping up is “I’m so busy.” If that’s the case, get out our schedules and plan quality time together. Leave nothing to chance. Put away your devices. Get a babysitter if you must. But never, ever postpone your partner.
If this feels impossible, there’s a short-term solution. Commit together to couples counseling. This places you together once a week. Such a setting allows for productive conversations and exploration through the pretense of an unbiased guide. You’ll both become better partners!
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to understand how you can let go of an unhealthy relationship, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.
How To Have Healthy Conflict
It may seem odd to use the word “healthy” to describe any conflict, but this can be a crucial component of any relationship. Contrary to popular opinion—and pop culture—some degree of conflict is normal between partners. It is inevitable and has the potential to be quite helpful. I like what Terrence Real says about the process of marriage: Every relationship is an endless dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair.
4 Ways To Be a Better Partner
Why did you click on the headline of this post? I can safely assume it has something to do with your desire to improve and enhance your relationship. After all, who doesn’t want to be a better partner? The tricky part is defining what you mean by “better.” Relationships are complex bonds with so many moving parts. How exactly does one get better at this?
Of course, there is no single way to address this goal. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t some universal concepts to consider. So, let’s explore those concepts before we get to the list!
What Makes a Good Partner?
Again, this can be very much in the eye of the beholder. That said, here are a few ingredients to consider:
Positive energy
Self-awareness
Gratitude
Compassion
This is not to say you can never screw up or have a bad day. The goal instead is to find attributes that can guide you when things aren’t going smoothly. The four listed here are a good start. People want to be around others who can find a positive spin. They value humility and they want to feel appreciated.
Perhaps most of all, we all need to know that our own transgressions will be met with empathy and compassion. How then can you embody these ingredients on a daily basis?
4 Ways You Can Be a Better Partner
1. Commit to Healthy Communication
This will be your foundation. Through good times and bad, you and your partner will need to communicate in a healthy manner. Productive communication combines so many positive traits. You learn to listen, validate, trust, retain, and resolve conflict.
Ideally, your communication as a couple happens in real-time and in person. Don’t leave things to chance with texts or social media messages. Prioritize each other by being fully present for the conversations that shape your lives.
2. Accept Change
It’s tempting to reach a happy point where you wish everything could just stay precisely as is. Not only is this impossible, but it also is not as appealing as it seems. Change is what keeps every relationship strong and fresh.
No two people stay exactly the same and, believe me, that’s a good thing. Embracing this reality is one way to help your connection evolve and grow over time.
3. Be Vulnerable
For a relationship to thrive, both partners must be willing to open up. They must be willing to trust. This can be scary stuff, but it’s like glue when it comes to your bond.
Both partners need to see their relationship as a safe space. They need to feel that they can let their guard down and be vulnerable. Such openness invites the spouses to communicate more openly and roll with the inevitable changes.
4. Take Care of Yourself
Self-love is a powerful practice. It can help create the above-mentioned self-awareness. Some portrayals of a happy couple involve what appears to be martyrdom for each other. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
You are two discrete individuals who are also part of a couple. Therefore, it is non-negotiable that you practice self-care. This could mean:
Literal self-care safeguarding your health through daily choices
The setting, enforcing, and respecting of boundaries
Cultivating an independent life with your own interests, beliefs, and social life
Celebrating your strengths while working on what needs improvement
How To Start
Sure, There are these 4 ways you can improve as a partner. But how do you start? Here’s the TLDR: focus. There seems to be so much, it can be hard to start. I tell clients to start the day with intention. Pick one thing you want to get better at today. Then focus on that this morning. Then rinse and repeat.
It Helps to Have an Unbiased Guide
What if you think you’re doing fine but your partner disagrees? Or the reverse? Couples counseling puts you in the position to have your interactions witnessed and analyzed. Your weekly sessions serve as opportunities to better understand each other and thus, yourselves as partners.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to understand how you can let go of an unhealthy relationship, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.
How Often Do Couples Fight in Healthy Relationships?
How To Keep Your Relationship Conflict Healthy
We’re conditioned, after all, to see conflict as a crisis—particularly in a relationship. Therefore, let’s begin by accepting an unpopular fact. Conflict is inevitable. No two people agree on everything, and this is okay. It’s normal. A couple that says it never fights is almost certainly avoiding confrontation.